I Owe You A Father

My Dearest Daughter,

I'm writing to you today because you deserve to know the truth. I couldn't give you much all these years but I thought I should at least tell you the truth about why I couldn't get myself to love you all these years. You gave me many moments of joy and pride. And some filled with tears. But I couldn't get myself to show much emotion and I know all this time you thought you were not worthy of anything. I know it felt like one day I stopped loving you. I know I broke your heart. But I can't say sorry enough times because I feel it won't mean much right now. You're not well. And you need me. You need everyone around you but I can't be there. So I will be consistent this time as well and not be there for you. You can hate me because why would you love me at this point in time? Why would anyone in his/her right mind still care for me?

I don't even know if you still wish to know the answers to questions you've never asked me. Not to my face at least. You grew old before your time because you had to. I was the child and so all of you had to be the adults. I don't know as to what I'm saying anymore...

Maybe we should leave it here. One day I will tell your story to you because you need closure. In the midst of your life you deserve this ending but maybe I'm not ready to write it just yet.

But for all the milestones of your life that I was absent for and the few I attended half-heartedly... I'm truly very sorry.

Happy Belated Birthday.

Late Night Musings

I have loved you more than what they say in the books or how they try to describe it in song lyrics. Believe me I have loved you in ways you can't even begin to imagine. Yes you can't imagine it and that's not because you haven't loved me as deeply. Its because you were busy loving me in your own strange unusual ways.

Maybe there were days when we missed each other. Its because we were obsessed with carving out the love for each other. We were busy. We were in love. Maybe more so with the idea that we were carving out in those moments. Did you see me, my love? I sure missed you.

We can all keep competing like this and we can keep missing out on what matters. But its love and it isn't a competition. Its not a race. Its actually a brisk walk or a moment when you need to sit still. So let's live like that. Without any prejudices or biases and without having to rush through it.

Because for us to keep surviving we don't need any fancy ingredients. We just need oxygen and water. And this feeling that life would fall apart if you ever let go of my hand in a crowd or wherever. That feeling only lovers have.

So let's go and please let's keep it very simple.

Oxygen + Water + That Sinking Feeling.

And we will be happy.

I promise.

Good night!