These Versions Of Us

I won't let you write the script anymore

Can't play this game, I can't be your whore

But my dear even on your best day you are a slave

To your needs,wants, your lovers...all night and day

What about philanthropy, courtesy and Humanity?

When did I exchange all this for my constant vanity

Go on you can pretend to mourn over the defenseless

You can delude yourself into assuming you're helpless

You're wrong because I am a citizen of a peaceful nation

I've been celebrated all over on countless occasions

You are nothing but a hypocrite, a cheat, a decoy 

All the same, here to capitalize and then destroy

But the war within the surface refuses to desist

The torment, the suffering, the torture fails to shift

We are all walking carcasses of our yester disasters 

Of our horrid tragedies and sometimes laughter 

You Tell Me

Please ask as to why I don't write anymore. There isn't a specific reason yet there are many reasons.
You tell me if you still visit this blog as to what is it that you would like to read about?
My life?
My fictional stories?
Medicine?
Literature?
Crossroads?
Travel diary?
Music?
Photography?

My life isn't very interesting though. I should have been a legend but now I just collect fancy socks, work like most of you and cook Biryani on Saturdays.

Hope you guys are doing well

I Owe You A Father

My Dearest Daughter,

I'm writing to you today because you deserve to know the truth. I couldn't give you much all these years but I thought I should at least tell you the truth about why I couldn't get myself to love you all these years. You gave me many moments of joy and pride. And some filled with tears. But I couldn't get myself to show much emotion and I know all this time you thought you were not worthy of anything. I know it felt like one day I stopped loving you. I know I broke your heart. But I can't say sorry enough times because I feel it won't mean much right now. You're not well. And you need me. You need everyone around you but I can't be there. So I will be consistent this time as well and not be there for you. You can hate me because why would you love me at this point in time? Why would anyone in his/her right mind still care for me?

I don't even know if you still wish to know the answers to questions you've never asked me. Not to my face at least. You grew old before your time because you had to. I was the child and so all of you had to be the adults. I don't know as to what I'm saying anymore...

Maybe we should leave it here. One day I will tell your story to you because you need closure. In the midst of your life you deserve this ending but maybe I'm not ready to write it just yet.

But for all the milestones of your life that I was absent for and the few I attended half-heartedly... I'm truly very sorry.

Happy Belated Birthday.

Late Night Musings

I have loved you more than what they say in the books or how they try to describe it in song lyrics. Believe me I have loved you in ways you can't even begin to imagine. Yes you can't imagine it and that's not because you haven't loved me as deeply. Its because you were busy loving me in your own strange unusual ways.

Maybe there were days when we missed each other. Its because we were obsessed with carving out the love for each other. We were busy. We were in love. Maybe more so with the idea that we were carving out in those moments. Did you see me, my love? I sure missed you.

We can all keep competing like this and we can keep missing out on what matters. But its love and it isn't a competition. Its not a race. Its actually a brisk walk or a moment when you need to sit still. So let's live like that. Without any prejudices or biases and without having to rush through it.

Because for us to keep surviving we don't need any fancy ingredients. We just need oxygen and water. And this feeling that life would fall apart if you ever let go of my hand in a crowd or wherever. That feeling only lovers have.

So let's go and please let's keep it very simple.

Oxygen + Water + That Sinking Feeling.

And we will be happy.

I promise.

Good night!

The Half Truth In These Lies

Maybe I will tell you jokes and divert your attention. That's how I am. Maybe the sad truth is that I am scared and have started to feel really nervous. Right now at this moment, at 4:30 am in this lonely hotel room in the highest capital of Europe...I'm probably scared than ever.

Maybe I should retire myself from this race because I'm a wounded player at the moment. You'll have to fight this on your own or maybe cease this battle for a moment or two so I can try to recover. As pretentious as it may sound because who am I kidding? I was born wounded and I will die aching.

But I shouldn't lie to you at least. This isn't a race my love. This is life. And I'm not gonna cheapen it by calling it a race. The fact is that whatever it is.. without you something as simple as water separates to 2 atoms of Hydrogen and an atom of Oxygen and the Covalent bond refuses to form. Life as you know can not exist when that happens.

And as you know You and I also began with an atom but so much has changed since then. Now that's life. I mean to say evolution. Change is our only constant. But some people refuse to believe in evolution. But then there are certain things you don't repeat in front of a certain audience.

Like a sexual joke in front of a rape victim, Like the term, "Some people/things never change" in front of a scientist or "Women are secondary to men" in front of a feminist.

Maybe my thoughts are too chaotic tonight and nothing is making sense but in the midst of living all these lies.. I want to confess something.
I have forgotten as to how to live without you. In case I ever have to. 

And for such an independent person...isn't that the worst nightmare ever?

But on the other hand..isn't it the most beautiful that has ever happened?

We are in this together.

God Bless.

I Shall Remain Silent

Maybe its time. Maybe you should know as to why I've been away. Or maybe you're just not ready to face the truth. Perhaps the same could be said about me but oh well. Let's leave semantics for some other day. But as promised.. I should fill this void with words. That's all I've got anyway.

But what could I possibly say now? Nothing can be said or done. Its too late. So I won't speak of my feelings, of my desires, or the things I want to do. To you. With you. And for you.

So forget it. Pretend like "I" never happened. And I shall pretend the same.

I swear I won't speak of my hunger. For you. For your touch. I wanted to tell you so many things. I wanted to tell you how I felt. There is so much you don't even know about me.

But its too late. The doors have been shut. If you want you can do the same. Just hold on to your desires. Hold on to all the things you want to do. To me. With me. And for me. Because its only fair.

Let our silences speak to each other from now on. Let 'em enjoy each other's misery and let em suffocate in the deep love. But I am so tempted to speak. So tempted to touch. But I shall refrain.

I promise you my dearest that I will let my desires board the sinking ships of our hopeless tomorrow. I assure you I will personally drown them because...

I shouldn't forget that I wasn't completely loved by you. I was almost loved.

And I shall live with the memories of that almost love.

Forever.

One Day You Will Read This

I've been wondering if I should start screaming now. Will I out-do life? Will I surrender before my time? Because I need to scream. This pain is too unbearable. The anxiety is never ending.

But to escape this chaos I wonder about a lot of things. That's just me. I dream a lot as well. If my dreams were people then they could easily over populate the island of Manhattan. They could make it more congested than it already is...easily. Not that this has anything to do with me but...New York I simply love you...

I love New York because it sums up the chaos within me. If my heart were a city..It'd be New York. But no one needs to know that. But hiding in it would be easy. It'd be a busy place. My heart that is. Between the chaos and the numbness. Right between the folds of heart ache. Some days I'd hide in there because there is more to me. The part that I sometimes don't like so I presume that you wouldn't like it either. I know I'm too hard on myself. I'm my worst critic and you just wanted to be my friend all this time.

I used to laugh in the face of despair because I had a good head on my shoulders. But things have changed now. I cry every time I face this thing called happiness. Because its not my normal. Some days I'm even sorry for my achievements. I used to be different. I've now lost my confidence.

I used to think that if I opened up then it would stop hurting as much. I've now realized that I did open up. I told my story. You were the chosen one. And look how much you're hurting now. I've changed you. I've changed myself as well. I went from bad to worse and you ...well you went from good to bad. I'm sorry for that. 

Today I just want to say that I really truly madly love you. I never meant to hurt you...but I know that's what everyone says at the end..but here is what's different..I'm saying it now. Before the end.

I don't know if I should think from the heart anymore. After all it brought me to you one day. I was down and out that day and I had put out a "hello" to the universe. You replied. Perhaps because you were meant to reply back. My theory is that you made your first mistake then and there but then I have a lot of theories and most don't make sense.

I once met a dying patient at the hospital who told me that he wouldn't survive. I asked him as to why that is? He said its because he prayed so much that he thinks he ran out of prayers and then one day he got diagnosed with cancer. A few days later..he died.

My theory is the exact opposite of that. I have never prayed for myself. I felt selfish doing it. And now I feel like its too late. I know I will die as well one day. We all will. And that is a fact.

Today I just want you to hold my hand and remember when we were at the top of Eiffel Tower. That was a high point. In every sense. And I also want you to remember when we came down and decided to look up. That was a low point. Not in every sense. We had smiled at each other with the look that 'We were just up there'.

And that is exactly what life is all about..my dearest. You can't always be happy. As much as you want it to stay..it leaves us before we know it.

And that's the thing about sadness as well. It doesn't last forever.

However You and I will.

So I'm truly sorry for the pain. But we just passed a sign that said..'Good times ahead'

So lets kiss because..

I love you..

The Forgotten Ones

Just hold on tight because the day you start hearing the silent laughter of the world...I will come to you and ask you about it. I've been meaning to ask someone so who better than yourself?

Where is life going right now you ask? Well... I didn't stand in front of a tank today to start a revolution. Nor I didn't wake up this morning. My house wasn't bombed either. My unborn child didn't just die inside me nor he or she got diagnosed with cancer. None of that happened. Maybe someone day but today wasn't that day.

However today I had a vision of a 13 year old me hiding under my uncle's cherry finish office desk. I used to hide from the world then. I remember the cacophony of past voices.Voices that discussed literature, politics, music and poetry over tea every evening. Sweet voices of my own people. People who are not my own anymore. Voices that are now bitter. So much has changed over time. I've changed over this time. Its been a shelter-less journey and I would never  lie to you (this time...maybe).

I know its unfair to you but I don't except you to know my past. I once lived you know... I once loved as well and soon I will be a memory. We all will be. Tell me how would you like to remember me? You can whisper it. Don't be shy please. I need to know this. 

The world has made me very cold. I blame myself for that. I let the world do that to me. I grew old in the shadow of that coldness. I will die feeling bleak.. I know that already. 

But you are the only reason I keep bouncing back. All this pain. This loss. The peripheral loss is all the world sees and they laugh at it. The fact is that I've lost myself in this horrible process. The fact is that I don't have words to describe this awful pain... And the world has ignored my pain... completely. 

I won't lie to you.. but it might be all lies from here onwards.

I apologize in advance. 

But I will bounce back. 

I still have you..

The Human Side Of Me

Just there right where the comfort zone ends.. my actual journey began. I feel almost sorry for some of you since you have never known any other place but your comfort zone. But that is okay because I have nothing to do with you. I am here for myself. I know its selfish but sometimes life brings you at certain crossroads and you have to start running and you have to make sure that you run really fast so not a single dark shadow of the past can keep up and eventually triumph is all yours.

But who are we kidding here? Shadows don't leave us. They stay with us because perhaps there is absence of light. If you have taken science then you would know as to what I'm saying here. If you haven't then.. well step out of your comfort zone perhaps and try out a different course. Maybe science..maybe economics..or perhaps basic calculus?

So why is my shadow so important to me...you ask? Well because I think in all of these years I have been most humane to my shadow and that is pretty much it. I would tell you my story but this is not the place nor the time for it. And I have stopped trying to tell my story. You see when you try to make people understand who you are and what you have been crying about then those are the people who least understand you and your story. No one gets it except for yourself and that dark shadow of yours.

You see no one every signed up to fight your case. So just for today please don't bother. Just for today let go and learn to breathe all over again. Keep your shadow right next to you for it might get lost in the huge crowds you've surrounding yourself with lately. You see we both now like the noise and that too..lots of it. And by now you have understood that the shadow is perhaps just a metaphor in this story...

When I get time to come home from those 80 hours/ week kinda days  then its a very bittersweet kind of a feeling. When the elevator door opens all I hear is the sweet sound of cutlery and dinner conversations. Some are in English and rest in French. That is family time. I don't have that here. In some context I'm pretty homeless but apartment-some. I know that's not a word. Ignore it..why don't you?

You see there are no heroes or villains in this story. There are definite demons of the past colliding with the nightmares of today but that's a story for some other day. Some might call me a hero of my story but I think that wouldn't be fair. I can be self loathing at times. I'm a huge Hunter S. Thompson fan..so loathing is in my nature. A hero doesn't loathe.. just so you know.

Let me tell you something without saying much... there used to be a lot of noise in my life. I had to run from it. I had to make sure that I didn't look back. I knew it was the right time. And now I don't remember how I went from being a past hero of my story to the anti-hero of my present. Even if you paid me I couldn't tell simply because I don't have the memory of it.. so kindly do not ask. There is a lot of pain somewhere along and I am who I am because of it but I can't talk about it...anymore.

Dearest shadow..let's close all the doors behind us this time. I think its best. In the ruins of this solitude let the anti-hero carve a city that no one chooses to live in. Its not a nice place so don't hang around this town.

And I know I've fumbled with my words at times but destroying myself one molecule at a time has become my most favorite hobby.

And just so YOU know..I think of you every time I read a quote on love. And I think of me every time the doctor calls the time of death in the ER. And as that happens I watch my shadow disappear into the thin air.

And when that happens I go back and read a quote on love so when I smile... its because of your face.

And while that happens... the anti-hero surrenders every time.

So Takecare...because at the end of it all...

This struggle is worth it.  

Home Of The Blues

I have to say this you know.. I've loved you so much at times that it has beyond destroyed me. The pain was almost blinding. That's how severely I've suffered. But I could talk in riddles and give you names like I don't know...Seth or Brad or Jake. And maybe I could be Emilia or Jane or Leslie...but we would still be walking around with the same amount of pain so.. I don't know.

But there is one thing I want to confess today.. these so called prisons in my mind are not actually prisons. These are some beautiful designs of disaster. I can't explain the difference so kindly do not ask.

You see I can't summarize my day for you everytime. I can't explain what goes on in my heart. The novelty of my misery starts to fade away. I know I sound selfish but such is misery. You want it all to yourself. Its like the lottery for lovers. You're either all in or you go home. I know its crazy. But to be fair I never promised you normalcy.

I told you that I might be dying soon. You got all worked up and said you will die first. I don't know why you had to get so competitive. Its death after all. The truth is my dear that...no one dies together. Infact we die alone. Individually. And no amount of solace is enough. I've seen people go... so trust me on this.

I would ask for two things when I die. A) I'd request God to send me back for a second chance because I would like to keep trying. B) If I can't be granted A then I'd like the power to make flowers weep for a day. I would like to send the message of sorrow in hope that you might notice it. So please try and notice it.

I want you to know that the world needs people like you. The world also needs people like me so that they can get to know and appreciate people like you. The world also needs courage. It also needs less chaos. But above all the world needs less plane crashes.

I've said good bye before and I've asked you to hold on. You've done the same in your low moments. You're getting better at fixing what you at first accidentally (and sometimes on purpose) broke. Mind you I'm starting to like the feeling of being destroyed because you always come back to rebuild me. Its a vicious circle. I've grown to love it.

And you see I'm getting better at shattering you into pieces and then putting them together and that's how it goes on now..

So my love.. keep holding on. And in my dearest dream...please hold my hand in that city of lights.

Because..

Misery loves company.

Thank you...

The Shape Of My Heart

I had forgotten how the sky looked like anymore. The elements had started to crossbreed among themselves. My water had become your fire. And your air became my earth and then I found myself drowning so deep that every memory of that color of the sky got lost somewhere. I don't think I will ever be getting that back.

Perhaps it wasn't even fire or air. Maybe it was just the absence of rain. But one day I woke up and it had all stopped hurting. Whatever it was. Maybe the nerve endings had died. I didn't know anything anymore.

Even now I'm still stuck on the other side of things. So I have no choice but to scream my feelings out to you. I don't mean to raise my voice but sometimes its hard for you to understand me because we are so far apart. I'm sorry I won't scream at you again. Its not a nice feeling and I don't like doing it anyway.

But you see I have to go and fix myself. I have to fix what you subconsciously broke. I can't take your help because a part of me can't let you be the abuser and the healer. But if I don't go now my fire will turn into water and maybe it will wash away everything and who knows where you and I would end up? I mean really.. we can't predict the future anymore.

Because you know what? You can only hurt someone until it actually hurts. Then one day either you don't wake up or it just stops hurting. But I can't leave you behind for too long anyway because you know why? You're my map to home. The one that is now starting to fall apart. Maybe one day it will burn down. Maybe one day a cyclone will hit it. Perhaps one day the earth will break into two halves and our home will be in the middle of it. I don't know.. the elements don't make sense yet they are all fighting for the top spot here. Our worlds will collide. And it might be the most beautiful disaster to ever take place.

And now there is this rock bottom and myself. And every single painful memory is relevant. And every moment of love is now a faded memory. That's whats so fascinating about heart break. It breaks you in so many ways that perhaps it actually ends up changing the shape of your heart.

 So hold on tight because this just might be the beginning of the end.  

Its Time To Say Goodbye..Maybe

I will always be a street away from that happiness that was so called mine. I will always be behind the wrong side of the fence. I think I've lost my chance...

And in the midst of this madness I trampled all over my own existence. In the midst of these moments of insanity you had left me alone. In these instants of chaos I had given up and lost all my confidence. Where were you then? And why did you let go?

But I want to tell my story. I think its time. But no one is listening and it seems like I have lost you as well.

There were thousands of ways of dying. I ignored 'em all. I swear to you. I ignored 'em all.

Heart disease. Stroke. Cancer.

But guess what? I chose you.

So I chose heartache.

Rather..Heartache chose me.


"So, goodbye
Please stay with your own kind
And I'll stay with mine
There's something against us
It's not time...It's not time
So, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye..."
-The Smiths

These Sinking Ships

It all needs to sink in first and then for the dust to settle, it will take time. 

Denial. Anger. Bargain. Depression....and Acceptance.

And I miss you.

Because you see without that...its just noise all around us. I didn't destroy myself. You didn't do it either. Infact all along we were the sane ones. The world went mad. And its really hard to explain.

So I wish this equation could be explained. Its too fragile right now.So lets not touch that.

At this point I wish there was another universe. But there isn't any point. This ache would have created the same ripple effect and would have set everything on fire by now anyway.

But do you remember before there was fire? The edges of the earth were much softer. Less flaky.

So excuse me because I need to dream brighter dreams.

And in the midst of this chaos. While the world keeps crumbling down at me and while the high tides keep pulling us apart...I just want to say that I love you and I won't apologize for it.

Gravity is only doing me wrong. Its drowning me.

And the music doesn't make much sense anymore.

So I hope you miss me too....

Saving Hope

This world is so full of rage. And the outer world seems to be less chaotic this time around. The imbalance might be the death of everything.  But death in a haste might is the worst possible type of ending because all you're left with is ...what if?

And when you feel so isolated in great company..what can you do? A voice within tells you to hold on. But what/who do you hold on to then and there? The great company is oblivious to your pain. Its not their pain after all. Its not their death. Its your own.

It has also to do with your scars. The ones they can't see. The one you wouldn't show. So tell me how would they see them anyway?

I wish you knew that no work, no meeting, no assignment, no project, no other soul is more important than you. Than us. Then what happens? I'm as lost as you are.

So I will try to suppress the voice within. I will work on keeping the chaos down to a minimum. My minimum is relative though. It might be your maximum and I'm sorry for that. I just know that I'd rather miss you while being with you than missing you when you're gone. Because things that bother me the most will be the things that will eventually kill me if they are not around to bother me so much. You're following the vicious circle of life here right?

Did you know that when hope becomes just a distant idea and a new rock bottom becomes your reality is when you take a ride to hell in a downward spiral? Your wounds take over the old ones. I really don't know what happens with the old ones. I'm sure there is some kind of a hand off. Something like in a shift change. Do you know what I mean? Or I guess they just get buried under the new ones... in the most incorrect ways possible.

I know Love was never the destination. I think the chess board was set up wrong from the get go. Love was supposed to be the journey we were in..together. It wasn't the ultimate goal. We are still a couple of rookies. We'll get better with time. We'll find new ways to hurt each other. We'll find hope once again. It may have taken a wrong turn and we seem to have lost it. I have atleast.

But in the mean time just hold on. Like we always said. Just hold on. This might not be over. This actually might have just begun...so for the love of God....hold on. 

Main doob raha hoon ....abhi dooba to nahin hoon

Just remember that.

Thank you.

Inferno

“Believe me, I know what it's like to feel all alone...the worst kind of loneliness in the world is isolation that comes from being misunderstood, it can make people lose their grasp on reality." ― Dan Brown, Inferno

And I wish you also knew this state of isolation. Sadly you don't. Or maybe that's good? But you won't ever be able to get too close. You'll always be on the periphery. I wish I could share more today.

I wish I could tell you more. Why I'm the way I'm. Why I say the things I say. And above all where all that anger and resentment comes from. I wish I could spell it out for you. The damages of the past became the builders of tomorrow's misery.

Someone else did the harm and someone else has to pay for it. How is that ever fair you asked me? And I obviously had no answer. The silence between us is not due to lack of conversation. This silence has my screams in every fold.

I wish you could hear that. I wish you knew. My reality has now become your misery.

I'm now your inferno.  

I'm extremely sorry.

Because I have a lot of unfulfilled wishes.  

Sorry about that...

I Won't Say It

Something died in me today. It was rather strange. Come to think of it they didn't diagnose me with terminal cancer. It was someone else. It was their problem. Not mine. I'm not going to die so what died in me today? Why are we so selfish when it comes to our sadness and sorrow? Atleast I'm. Believe me if you know me then you would know that I don't share my pain. I try not to. It doesn't seem right. I like this pain. I long for it. That's just me. But that's besides the point. Yes I'm selfish when it comes to tragedy.

Today was rather nostalgic. I found myself in my own imagination standing in this souvenir shop in New York city. If you know me then you must know how I love that city. I don't remember where the store is located but there is a mini Statue of Liberty outside of this store. My mother was in the next isle buying something for me. And I was in this isle looking for something for her. I don't think we bought anything from that store that day but we were there pretty much next to each other thinking of each other. She is not here today with me. And I'm not in New York city. But today I paid a visit to that beloved city but it wasn't even about the city. It was about Mom and I. She isn't here but then you can only have nostalgia or progression. I chose progression. Life chose it for me. I'm sorry for disappointing everyone.

And then there are days when I feel extremely isolated. I blame this city. Its the city of muddy waters. And in winter it dips down to -45. I blame all of it. Its easier to blame someone or something else. The point is that there are days when the sadness slowly creeps into my eyes. It worsens when no one notices it. They think I'm flying freely here. Whoever they are. I bet some of them envy me for having all this freedom. I'm sorry for disappointing them all once again because I'm not flying away here...I have in fact cut off my own wings.

My silence is my only companion here. You might call it a tragedy. The rest might label it as triumph. Don't ask as to what I call it. I might not be able to explain it. Its somewhere along the lines of longing. But I can't explain this quest. I'm sorry for disappointing you all over again.

I saw the world come crashing down today. Like I said someone found out that they were going to die. It wasn't my world that crashed and it wasn't my cancer. There is hope in every breath. Its limited therefore its limited hope. But what died in me today still remains a mystery.

And I'll let it be a mystery because you're forgetting the most important thing about me.

I don't share my pain. But I wasn't like this before. I'm sorry for the person I'm not today.

I'm really very sorry.  

The Monk Who Had It All

In that deepest despair I once knew so well

And when the spring arrived I lost my child

So I buried her on top of a deserted grave

A Monk nearby, to himself he just smiled

He could read my not so transparent eyes

Silence prevailed all around him and I

Nothing except it was his greatest lie

How he had really wished for wings to fly

How abandoned & ancient this feeling was

That dying emotion of that passion once

The door behind me had now been closed 

Separated from the memory of my loved one

Imagine those secrets the Monk must have

Sorrows & sadness hidden under that serenity

Here's my soul caught up in materialistic affairs

His is so clear with endless layers of purity

I bid my final good bye to my unborn child

The cruel God had written a destiny in a haste

The breeze might make my child feel cold 

For she is dead, a precious life gone to waste

His eyes converse, you have it wrong my dear, I say

My womb shall be empty, You won't know the pain

I've screamed my share of screams so you know

But I shall wish you well until we meet again

The peace he has, I'll never have

His eyes say adieu, that's the last call

Envy was in every drop of my existence

For he was the Monk who had it all

Could Have Been

You asked how the story was coming along. I had been working on it for months now. You wanted to know if my writer's block was over. I nodded yes. Then you asked me if I was in it as well. I said yes. Then you asked if you were in it too and I just smiled at you. You wanted to know if you were the lover. I told you I would not assign that part to anyone else except for you. You smirked because you thought love can not be assigned to anyone. Then you wanted to know more about me in the book. 

And all I know if that I could have been more. If only life had given me a chance. But you were confused because you thought I was the writer of this story. I could have given myself super powers if I wanted to. 

What you did not know all along was that this was a memoir. I always wanted it to be. This was my story and all I know now is...

That I could have been more. 

Isn't that the saddest thing that could ever happen to anyone? 

Chapter 1 - A life half lived 

and I scribble on...

For Selfish Reasons

I told you I always wondered about where people went post death. I wonder what is God's will in separating loved ones? The day I go will be the end of us. Or would it be? Would the music stop playing? Would the smell of earth post rain be the same? Will it ever stop hurting this much? You're right..I don't have the answers but I think I'm allowed to ask these questions.

But then I wonder if you'd watch the same shows. If you'd listen to the same songs. If you'd dare to open those photo albums. There is always a first time for everything. Mind you if you stop living after me then you'd miss out on the beauty of the aforementioned first times. And what about my book collection? Would you donate it to the local library?

Will you cry after accidentally sending me a text message? Will you leave me voice messages or set my plate  at the dining table? How would it feel when you'd eat alone for the first time?

Would you expose your wounds to others or would you take it all in? Mind you if you decide to let it all out then maybe that's a good thing because you wouldn't be alone. And just so you know I wouldn't be alone either.

Because you see there are enough broken hearts walking around. And just so you know the other halves of those broken hearts are just as miserable on the other side. I'm sure they are walking around incomplete as well. This is a universe of incompleteness. Something that can't be helped.

So maybe keep your eyes closed and you might be able to relive our last moments again and again. Denial works wonders. It saves us from a lot of harm at times.

But there is something I most definitely know at this point in time. I will die. You will as well. I would prefer to die first for selfish reasons. Forgive me for that if you can. But love remains. We just learn to love differently. You will learn as well. Sitting at my grave one day maybe you'll read my poems. My proses. Maybe you'll look at those albums. I most definitely know that you'll think of me. And us.

There is also one more thing I know...

Let's live for now before it all happens. Lets make the most of it. Let's not write this story backwards.

I know that now.

Nothing Else Matters

Never opened myself this way, life is ours we live it our way, all these words I don't just say
...& nothing else matters -Metallica

Sometimes it takes you a micro second to be so heartless. I have no idea as to where it all even comes from. It leaves me dazed and confused for hours and not the good kind of dazed and confused. But I get it. This is a part of that package. Let's not sit here and give it a name or a title. That's for mediocre people. They have to go ahead and give names to everything. It keeps things less complicated for em. You and I are not mediocre. We might be a complete disaster together but our disasters complete each other. I don't want to say the L word because that just might jinx it all and that would be giving this whole thing a name or a title anyway. Plus walking around half empty doesn't seem like a good option anymore.

Its sudden. I'm standing in line at the coffee shop and I get hit by a memory that's full of pain and remorse and what do I do? I just stand there and wait for my order. I don't let it get to me. Because I know you're half way across the world standing in line at a coffee shop thinking of how badly I've hurt you as well. Its all good. We owe the pain to each other.

Then I come home and ask you as to why you look so sad and you tell me its because you've hurt me. And then I tell you its not the first time you've hurt me and you steal the show with...

Its not the first time I've been this sad. 

Sigh.