Sunday, October 16, 2016

You Tell Me

Please ask as to why I don't write anymore. There isn't a specific reason yet there are many reasons.
You tell me if you still visit this blog as to what is it that you would like to read about?
My life?
My fictional stories?
Medicine?
Literature?
Crossroads?
Travel diary?
Music?
Photography?

My life isn't very interesting though. I should have been a legend but now I just collect fancy socks, work like most of you and cook Biryani on Saturdays.

Hope you guys are doing well

Friday, October 30, 2015

I Owe You A Father


My Dearest Daughter,

I'm writing to you today because you deserve to know the truth. I couldn't give you much all these years but I thought I should at least tell you the truth about why I couldn't get myself to love you all these years. You gave me many moments of joy and pride. And some filled with tears. But I couldn't get myself to show much emotion and I know all this time you thought you were not worthy of anything. I know it felt like one day I stopped loving you. I know I broke your heart. But I can't say sorry enough times because I feel it won't mean much right now. You're not well. And you need me. You need everyone around you but I can't be there. So I will be consistent this time as well and not be there for you. You can hate me because why would you love me at this point in time? Why would anyone in his/her right mind still care for me?

I don't even know if you still wish to know the answers to questions you've never asked me. Not to my face at least. You grew old before your time because you had to. I was the child and so all of you had to be the adults. I don't know as to what I'm saying anymore...

Maybe we should leave it here. One day I will tell your story to you because you need closure. In the midst of your life you deserve this ending but maybe I'm not ready to write it just yet.

But for all the milestones of your life that I was absent for and the few I attended half-heartedly... I'm truly very sorry.

Happy Belated Birthday.

Friday, October 16, 2015

Late Night Musings


I have loved you more than what they say in the books or how they try to describe it in song lyrics. Believe me I have loved you in ways you can't even begin to imagine. Yes you can't imagine it and that's not because you haven't loved me as deeply. Its because you were busy loving me in your own strange unusual ways.

Maybe there were days when we missed each other. Its because we were obsessed with carving out the love for each other. We were busy. We were in love. Maybe more so with the idea that we were carving out in those moments. Did you see me, my love? I sure missed you.

We can all keep competing like this and we can keep missing out on what matters. But its love and it isn't a competition. Its not a race. Its actually a brisk walk or a moment when you need to sit still. So let's live like that. Without any prejudices or biases and without having to rush through it.

Because for us to keep surviving we don't need any fancy ingredients. We just need oxygen and water. And this feeling that life would fall apart if you ever let go of my hand in a crowd or wherever. That feeling only lovers have.

So let's go and please let's keep it very simple.

Oxygen + Water + That Sinking Feeling.

And we will be happy.

I promise.

Good night!

Saturday, May 30, 2015

The Half Truth In These Lies


Maybe I will tell you jokes and divert your attention. That's how I am. Maybe the sad truth is that I am scared and have started to feel really nervous. Right now at this moment, at 4:30 am in this lonely hotel room in the highest capital of Europe...I'm probably scared than ever.

Maybe I should retire myself from this race because I'm a wounded player at the moment. You'll have to fight this on your own or maybe cease this battle for a moment or two so I can try to recover. As pretentious as it may sound because who am I kidding? I was born wounded and I will die aching.

But I shouldn't lie to you at least. This isn't a race my love. This is life. And I'm not gonna cheapen it by calling it a race. The fact is that whatever it is.. without you something as simple as water separates to 2 atoms of Hydrogen and an atom of Oxygen and the Covalent bond refuses to form. Life as you know can not exist when that happens.

And as you know You and I also began with an atom but so much has changed since then. Now that's life. I mean to say evolution. Change is our only constant. But some people refuse to believe in evolution. But then there are certain things you don't repeat in front of a certain audience.

Like a sexual joke in front of a rape victim, Like the term, "Some people/things never change" in front of a scientist or "Women are secondary to men" in front of a feminist.

Maybe my thoughts are too chaotic tonight and nothing is making sense but in the midst of living all these lies.. I want to confess something.
I have forgotten as to how to live without you. In case I ever have to. 

And for such an independent person...isn't that the worst nightmare ever?

But on the other hand..isn't it the most beautiful that has ever happened?

We are in this together.

God Bless.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

I Shall Remain Silent


Maybe its time. Maybe you should know as to why I've been away. Or maybe you're just not ready to face the truth. Perhaps the same could be said about me but oh well. Let's leave semantics for some other day. But as promised.. I should fill this void with words. That's all I've got anyway.

But what could I possibly say now? Nothing can be said or done. Its too late. So I won't speak of my feelings, of my desires, or the things I want to do. To you. With you. And for you.

So forget it. Pretend like "I" never happened. And I shall pretend the same.

I swear I won't speak of my hunger. For you. For your touch. I wanted to tell you so many things. I wanted to tell you how I felt. There is so much you don't even know about me.

But its too late. The doors have been shut. If you want you can do the same. Just hold on to your desires. Hold on to all the things you want to do. To me. With me. And for me. Because its only fair.

Let our silences speak to each other from now on. Let 'em enjoy each other's misery and let em suffocate in the deep love. But I am so tempted to speak. So tempted to touch. But I shall refrain.

I promise you my dearest that I will let my desires board the sinking ships of our hopeless tomorrow. I assure you I will personally drown them because...

I shouldn't forget that I wasn't completely loved by you. I was almost loved.

And I shall live with the memories of that almost love.

Forever.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

One Day You Will Read This

I've been wondering if I should start screaming now. Will I out-do life? Will I surrender before my time? Because I need to scream. This pain is too unbearable. The anxiety is never ending.

But to escape this chaos I wonder about a lot of things. That's just me. I dream a lot as well. If my dreams were people then they could easily over populate the island of Manhattan. They could make it more congested than it already is...easily. Not that this has anything to do with me but...New York I simply love you...

I love New York because it sums up the chaos within me. If my heart were a city..It'd be New York. But no one needs to know that. But hiding in it would be easy. It'd be a busy place. My heart that is. Between the chaos and the numbness. Right between the folds of heart ache. Some days I'd hide in there because there is more to me. The part that I sometimes don't like so I presume that you wouldn't like it either. I know I'm too hard on myself. I'm my worst critic and you just wanted to be my friend all this time.

I used to laugh in the face of despair because I had a good head on my shoulders. But things have changed now. I cry every time I face this thing called happiness. Because its not my normal. Some days I'm even sorry for my achievements. I used to be different. I've now lost my confidence.

I used to think that if I opened up then it would stop hurting as much. I've now realized that I did open up. I told my story. You were the chosen one. And look how much you're hurting now. I've changed you. I've changed myself as well. I went from bad to worse and you ...well you went from good to bad. I'm sorry for that. 

Today I just want to say that I really truly madly love you. I never meant to hurt you...but I know that's what everyone says at the end..but here is what's different..I'm saying it now. Before the end.

I don't know if I should think from the heart anymore. After all it brought me to you one day. I was down and out that day and I had put out a "hello" to the universe. You replied. Perhaps because you were meant to reply back. My theory is that you made your first mistake then and there but then I have a lot of theories and most don't make sense.

I once met a dying patient at the hospital who told me that he wouldn't survive. I asked him as to why that is? He said its because he prayed so much that he thinks he ran out of prayers and then one day he got diagnosed with cancer. A few days later..he died.

My theory is the exact opposite of that. I have never prayed for myself. I felt selfish doing it. And now I feel like its too late. I know I will die as well one day. We all will. And that is a fact.

Today I just want you to hold my hand and remember when we were at the top of Eiffel Tower. That was a high point. In every sense. And I also want you to remember when we came down and decided to look up. That was a low point. Not in every sense. We had smiled at each other with the look that 'We were just up there'.

And that is exactly what life is all about..my dearest. You can't always be happy. As much as you want it to stay..it leaves us before we know it.

And that's the thing about sadness as well. It doesn't last forever.

However You and I will.

So I'm truly sorry for the pain. But we just passed a sign that said..'Good times ahead'

So lets kiss because..

I love you..

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

The Forgotten Ones

Just hold on tight because the day you start hearing the silent laughter of the world...I will come to you and ask you about it. I've been meaning to ask someone so who better than yourself?

Where is life going right now you ask? Well... I didn't stand in front of a tank today to start a revolution. Nor I didn't wake up this morning. My house wasn't bombed either. My unborn child didn't just die inside me nor he or she got diagnosed with cancer. None of that happened. Maybe someone day but today wasn't that day.

However today I had a vision of a 13 year old me hiding under my uncle's cherry finish office desk. I used to hide from the world then. I remember the cacophony of past voices.Voices that discussed literature, politics, music and poetry over tea every evening. Sweet voices of my own people. People who are not my own anymore. Voices that are now bitter. So much has changed over time. I've changed over this time. Its been a shelter-less journey and I would never  lie to you (this time...maybe).

I know its unfair to you but I don't except you to know my past. I once lived you know... I once loved as well and soon I will be a memory. We all will be. Tell me how would you like to remember me? You can whisper it. Don't be shy please. I need to know this. 

The world has made me very cold. I blame myself for that. I let the world do that to me. I grew old in the shadow of that coldness. I will die feeling bleak.. I know that already. 

But you are the only reason I keep bouncing back. All this pain. This loss. The peripheral loss is all the world sees and they laugh at it. The fact is that I've lost myself in this horrible process. The fact is that I don't have words to describe this awful pain... And the world has ignored my pain... completely. 

I won't lie to you.. but it might be all lies from here onwards.

I apologize in advance. 

But I will bounce back. 

I still have you..