Off I Go

Let's all raise our glass to this thing called life. Let's all get together and call this change inevitable. Yes just like us our words have also become so cliched. We repeat after the world. We look the same and we say the same things. But I do remember a time when it wasn't like that. I remember when I used to be different. I wonder where I went wrong?  And no I won't blame you for what I've done to myself. I'm sorry if you ever felt that the world was putting you on the spot because of me. I'm really sorry for that.

I must confess that I was on the verge of a breakdown. Come to think of it..aren't we all? But then you came along and my breakdown did not happen. The wounds were fresh and like a clumsy first year medical student I just sewed em all up. I thought they would dissolve and I would never see them again. But I was wrong. So damn wrong.

Though I must give you the due credit here. You saved me from my break down. You saved me big time. But there was no one there to save me from you. Yes, its a vicious cycle. We walk around in loops here on Earth. Thats the flaw with the entire human race. We end up coming back to that familiar place again and again. The one that cost us everything. I'll say cost because thats the kind of terminology the world understands now. That ugly place simply hurts like no tomorrow. But we come back to it not because we crave the pain. We are not that submissive. We come back because its a familiar place. Its like home.

And as both of us know that there is no place like home. Even if there's a rip on that couch and a big dark stain on the living room carpet but nevermind all that because home will always be home. They often try to give those suites in those five star hotels the same look but there is a reason celebrities are found dead in expensive hotel suites and not in their homes. There is a reason for that, my love.

But you simply do not get all that. You are practical. Way more practical than I will ever be. So let's just part ways. You are sane and I'm the one with the emotional imbalance. People might have thought that you were the abuser and I was a victim here but thats not the case. Its not so black and white. We are all victims of something here and all of us have abused someone atleast once. No one has a clean slate.

And on that note you must return to your world of ripped couches. Look between them because you might find my memories there. You know I was once that little girl with big dreams. So look for my memories there. You'll find plenty. However I must return to my hotel suite. The one with stainless carpets and expensive furniture.

Its a disease and you don't deserve this in life. You are worth way more. But like a disease I will stay in you. You'll think of me every single day and when you'll wake up tomorrow, it will be diffucult to get out of bed. But then days will turn into weeks and it will hurt a lot less. Believe me. I've been there. And since we have a love/hate relationship with cliches, lets end this where I started from. So you can walk around in loops instead of searching for closure because I simply can't hand it over to you. Thats just something you'll find on your own someday...when life is kind to you.

So let's all raise our glass to this thing called life. And let's all get together and call this change inevitable...

On that note good bye it is,
My dearest.

I Wasn't Born To Lose You

My desk is filled with books. And notes. Endless Cardiology notes. Notes on Arrhythmias and Cardiovascular birth defects. Then there are notes on Abnormal Psychology and case studies of Agoraphobia. Underneath those is a copy of Anna Karenina. I started reading it again. It made me happy. It reminded me of simpler times. Don't ask. Its hard to explain.

In the midst of all the aforementioned books and notes there lies a subtle reminder of an unfulfilled dream. A dream I've been thinking about a lot lately. Its not like life is going down hill. In fact I've never known a better face of life until now. There is not just one specific aspect responsible for it. And no there is no particular person involved either. Its a combination of everything. The stars seem to be aligning (Knock on wood) just fine. They had to align one day. After all my happiness was due sooner or later.

Its been some strange 12 months. The ones of fewer words and many thoughts. The ones of more laughter than pain. Like I said its been strange. I never knew life like that. But yes pain is there as well. It walks with me as a constant reminder of how bad things were at times. Like that Bob Dylan song I thought "I wasn't born to lose you" but I was so wrong. I was born to lose it all. Perhaps start from scratch all over again. But then losing it all over again might kill me. So Dear God don't do it this time around. I beg of you. I'm not that strong.

Let's not complicate things. Let's keep them simple this time. I wanted something and I didn't get it. People who were supposed to be responsible for bringing me one step closer to my happiness slept peacefully while I stayed awake and wept till the dawn broke. I never did anyone any wrong. I swear. I tried my very best to be good. There were times when I suffered myself but I protected the ones I cared for. But in the midst of making those sacrifices my dreams were badly burnt. And they got so badly burnt that they couldn't be traced back. Just subtle reminders remained hidden under the souvenirs from the recent past.

Its not just about unfulfilled dreams, its about the almost broken ties with loved ones. Its about grudges I pretend not to have. But who am I kidding? We all have grudges and we all can count our regrets on our finger tips perhaps except for the ones who don't have hands or the ones who do not know how to count. But nevertheless we have them and we should just live with that.

It hurts a lot less since recently. I think its just a void now. Nothing will fill it so I have stopped trying altogether. That's what happens when you lean on your dreams. I thought I'd never make it. People around me do not understand the pain I went through. Sometimes I wish they did. Perhaps if it was death or a break-up, I would have scored more sympathy that way. Maybe if I let a thousand years go by then I might recover from it. I don't know. We'll see. I'll explain more later. I promise.

Time went by and I had to paint new dreams. I was given a canvas and I just had to pick the colors and go for it. So I did. Different dream. A whole different aspect. You see the heart has three natural pacemakers. When one stops, the second takes over right away. Its slower than the first one but it works just fine. So why couldn't I give my dreams a second chance?

Whats the worst that could happen? Death? Well so be it. Life is the one that's short. That's the side of the coin that has an expiry date on it. Death...well death is forever.

Or maybe its not. Perhaps it also ends somewhere.

And then there's love.

And that's whats so tragic about the pain love brings. It can never be shared. You'll never know what went underneath the periphery. You'll only hear of good times. You'll only see the smile you're smitten over. The tears..well I shall keep them to myself only.

So for one last time. Let's meet in Madrid. Or was it Barcelona? Somewhere in Spain. Before death comes in a haste. But never mind you. There's always love. And they say it is forever.

Good Night!

And Love Is Not A Victory March

Her fate was written the day she was named Ophelia.

The parting dialogue had always been difficult. The grief was just too unbearable at times. He liked to play with fire and she become the burnt victim of it every single time. But here’s the thing, when she found him it was more like as if she had found herself. And at times when it felt like he was drifting away, she thought she was too… from herself. 

In the midst of all the lying faces and betraying voices, she had found him. That’s how she knew him anyway. The voice and the face and that’s it. Had no idea as to how his skin felt like. She was absolutely clueless about his scent. Maybe she was unfortunate in a lot more ways than she had presumed. Why was he among all the ugly souls? She would wonder why since there was not even a hint of impurity in him. So she thought.

She fell in love with him while he was still trying to figure things out. He was too busy with those ugly souls. He called them friends. He let his guard down and called them friends. She fell in love with his grace. She knew she was non-existent in that sparkly world of his. It was glittery. Very much so and she was like a dull shooting star that was passing by so didn’t expect him to notice her anyway. Acceptance of circumstances became the only option. Sigh.

Oblivious to her simple world there he was among all the shiny objects with nothing but hollowness filled in them. So her association with words began. Letters to be specific. They were written in her mind and she had sworn that they'd never leave that sacred space. She wrote him letters of love, sorrow, triumphs, tragedy, loss and hope above all.

And then things changed. The pain became almost too much to bear. You see when you ache that much in love; it can actually become a life threatening disease. But how do you explain what love is to a cactus. Horrible analogy, I admit but yes he was like a cactus. Surviving under harsh times in unlikely situations while being oblivious to the pain of others. Also because anyone who tried to come close got hurt. At times really badly.

Time went by and she became a withering autumn leaf. Suffered a lot. And he went on and added one more lie to his life. People discussed the ring for months and he couldn’t stop smiling from ear to ear. I wonder if that smile had broken into two halves had people not talked as much about yet another shiny object from his life? But that’s simply not the concern here. He married a lie perhaps because he was an illusion himself as well. And then whatever unfolded after was inevitable.

In this city so full of lights and sparkly objects quiet like himself, she had to succumb to her disease. The outer story is that she was found drowned in a bath tub but let’s not dig up the inner story because believe me when I say this...she had drowned and succumbed to her injuries a long time ago. But couldn't prove anything because it never showed in her blood test results so she decided to drown in her own sorrow.  

In that spiritless cold body was a heart that had just stopped beating. They couldn't revive it. They tried but they had to pronounce the time of death. That's how the heart stopped beating. That heart with all the unwritten stories of yester years. The ones of aching love and unfulfilled dreams.

And next to that cold lifeless body was the ring.

And walking away from it all…there he was.  

The widower. The cactus.

The Musician Marilyn

In that old bar by the street corner in my town
She sang sad love songs with that heart so broken
Do you not remember those light blue eyes?
With gestures of love in them resided unspoken

Try and just remember my sweetest Marilyn
And how she belted out tunes so spell-bound
Held on to the despair somewhere deep within
In over flowing sorrows forever remained drowned

They say she suffered from that broken heart syndrome
Those hands did not stop shaking since the day he left
She became uncomfortably numb ever since then
Sang songs of despair in that black mourning dress

Quickly all the triumphs turned into doleful tragedies
And the surrounding air just got heavier by the day
Rage within subsiding somewhere on the periphery
While witnessing quietly her heart's destined dismay

You can't do much when the spirit gets badly bruised
For it is as fragile as the sandcastles we all once built
Sweet girl, angel you and your pursuit for happiness
Left you nothing but deserted with dreams unfulfilled

They swept her memories away with that dusty old broom
Complete standstill it was, my darling angel had fallen
The sky mourned as I laid a dozen red roses on her grave
Music grieved as she was laid to rest, my blue eyed Marilyn

In The Hollows Of Uncertainty

In the quicksands of time I was dissolving. No it wasn't a nightmare. It was reality at its worst. There was this desperation to escape it. Ran so fast that it felt like the heart was beating outside of my body. Adrenaline rush it was. Can't say if it was the good kind or the bad. I was gasping for breaths. It was like pleading rather begging to live while this dark cloud was closing in from all around. Like I explained to you, trying to escape it became the only option. And then I soon found myself locked in the midst of some four walls. So escaping wasn't a possibility anymore. And I almost gave in.

It was dark. Visibility was minimal. But what did I know so fighting back became my only option except didn't know as to who was the opponent here? Had no idea as to how strong that force was? But fighting back was the alternative selection here. And It was just us. That dark cloud and myself. My breaths became limited. Though I must admit that nothing was depriving me of my deserved breaths. My concentration was diverted towards winning this battle. It was even a struggle to breathe at that point. If anything, isolation from it all was my own choice. Because giving in would have been the wiser option but silly me had other preferences.

And then came the climax of it all. It got even darker. I entered the abyss. That feeling of bleakness persisted. Letting go and embracing defeat was the only option left now. Had I known that the memoirs once written in my mind would unfold like this, I would have just prayed for something else. Perhaps the same story with the same climax but fast forwarded until this part. And let me tell you as to what happened next. The very abyss became my bliss.

Life turned into an absolute irony and it became impossible to prison the very thing that eventually ended up captivating me instead. What did I know at that moment? How long was this going to be for? Well had I known that it would imprison me for eternity, I swear to you my darling, I swear...
I would have given in much earlier.

Because in the hollows of uncertainty it was our spirits who were finally at peace post finding each other. And now... life's unfolding at its own pace as I watch you sleep tonight while remembering that for sure today has been okay but here's kissing you good night with a promise that tomorrow will be better.

Sweet dreams. :)

Le Misérable

And somehow it all comes down to a few moments we have with each other. The clock keeps ticking and we have to live out those few moments to the core. Just so we can go to bed with the memory of that moment. Just so that memory can linger around us, in us and out of us. And you know what happens if the memory accidentally fades? The mornings turn blue, the afternoons gray and the night turns black. Not the kinda black you and I admire so much. Its a different one. The one that absorbs all of our Oxygen and we gasp for breath. The one where we can't seem to find each other and we get lost in the abyss of uncertainty. Its not a good feeling. I certainly know it. And I know that you know as well. You see there's absolute chaos out there in the world. Then there's that uncontrolled madness in me. But it all reaches its equilibrium when you are there. Holding me. Letting me know that it will be alright. But how do you console someone who has never known what peace is? How do you explain calm to the restless? And how do you explain sweet dreams to the insomniacs?

Don't blame me. Blame this world. Blame life in general. Because it made me the way I'm. It made me so bitter and so angry and so doubtful that I don't know anything for sure anymore. But you know what? It was meant to be this way.  We were all supposed to get hurt at first. The sky was supposed to come crashing down on all of us. Its an unwritten rule of life. Its a fact so you and I should go ahead and embrace it with open arms. What I feel today wouldn't have felt as great perhaps ten years ago. Had I not gone through the pains and aches, I don't think I would have been afraid of losing you. The fact that I have started to feel the fear is a positive thing. I have another confession. I think I'm scared of dying. I don't want to die. I know death does not end a relationship and yet I'm scared of dying. But I have an ill heart, I know. And it might kill me sooner than later. The reasons for its illness are many but above all its ill because its been aching since a while now.

And no do not count the number of days its been aching for. You will lose count and you will certainly get frustrated. With me. With yourself. And mostly with my aching heart. But I will tell you as to why it aches. It aches because its been miserable since a very long time now. And its mainly because it realizes that what it feels for you is bigger than anything it has ever felt before. Ok perhaps not as big as the galaxies out there but its far beyond than just a word.

Good Night. :)

The Last Eulogy

The love itself had an aura of angelic divinity
That hour of sad interval was declared a sin throughout

Yet enduring deprivation turned awfully treacly

And being in the arms of love became her last reward

And yes of course my dearest, your love resembled a strange ailment

So doubt the sun, the moon and the stars if you truly wish to

For the sun can melt, the moon may wither and stars might shoot

But do not doubt that gesture of love, for it was somewhat true

So you must know that even though you took a road less traveled

In broken, tangled, decaying pieces, I almost did love you as well

-Love Jake