Friday, July 26, 2013

Saving Hope

This world is so full of rage. And the outer world seems to be less chaotic this time around. The imbalance might be the death of everything.  But death in a haste might is the worst possible type of ending because all you're left with is ...what if?

And when you feel so isolated in great company..what can you do? A voice within tells you to hold on. But what/who do you hold on to then and there? The great company is oblivious to your pain. Its not their pain after all. Its not their death. Its your own.

It has also to do with your scars. The ones they can't see. The one you wouldn't show. So tell me how would they see them anyway?

I wish you knew that no work, no meeting, no assignment, no project, no other soul is more important than you. Than us. Then what happens? I'm as lost as you are.

So I will try to suppress the voice within. I will work on keeping the chaos down to a minimum. My minimum is relative though. It might be your maximum and I'm sorry for that. I just know that I'd rather miss you while being with you than missing you when you're gone. Because things that bother me the most will be the things that will eventually kill me if they are not around to bother me so much. You're following the vicious circle of life here right?

Did you know that when hope becomes just a distant idea and a new rock bottom becomes your reality is when you take a ride to hell in a downward spiral? Your wounds take over the old ones. I really don't know what happens with the old ones. I'm sure there is some kind of a hand off. Something like in a shift change. Do you know what I mean? Or I guess they just get buried under the new ones... in the most incorrect ways possible.

I know Love was never the destination. I think the chess board was set up wrong from the get go. Love was supposed to be the journey we were in..together. It wasn't the ultimate goal. We are still a couple of rookies. We'll get better with time. We'll find new ways to hurt each other. We'll find hope once again. It may have taken a wrong turn and we seem to have lost it. I have atleast.

But in the mean time just hold on. Like we always said. Just hold on. This might not be over. This actually might have just for the love of God....hold on. 

Main doob raha hoon ....abhi dooba to nahin hoon

Just remember that.

Thank you.

Monday, July 15, 2013


“Believe me, I know what it's like to feel all alone...the worst kind of loneliness in the world is isolation that comes from being misunderstood, it can make people lose their grasp on reality." ― Dan Brown, Inferno

And I wish you also knew this state of isolation. Sadly you don't. Or maybe that's good? But you won't ever be able to get too close. You'll always be on the periphery. I wish I could share more today.

I wish I could tell you more. Why I'm the way I'm. Why I say the things I say. And above all where all that anger and resentment comes from. I wish I could spell it out for you. The damages of the past became the builders of tomorrow's misery.

Someone else did the harm and someone else has to pay for it. How is that ever fair you asked me? And I obviously had no answer. The silence between us is not due to lack of conversation. This silence has my screams in every fold.

I wish you could hear that. I wish you knew. My reality has now become your misery.

I'm now your inferno.  

I'm extremely sorry.

Because I have a lot of unfulfilled wishes.  

Sorry about that...