Monday, May 5, 2014

The Human Side Of Me

Just there right where the comfort zone ends.. my actual journey began. I feel almost sorry for some of you since you have never known any other place but your comfort zone. But that is okay because I have nothing to do with you. I am here for myself. I know its selfish but sometimes life brings you at certain crossroads and you have to start running and you have to make sure that you run really fast so not a single dark shadow of the past can keep up and eventually triumph is all yours.

But who are we kidding here? Shadows don't leave us. They stay with us because perhaps there is absence of light. If you have taken science then you would know as to what I'm saying here. If you haven't then.. well step out of your comfort zone perhaps and try out a different course. Maybe science..maybe economics..or perhaps basic calculus?

So why is my shadow so important to ask? Well because I think in all of these years I have been most humane to my shadow and that is pretty much it. I would tell you my story but this is not the place nor the time for it. And I have stopped trying to tell my story. You see when you try to make people understand who you are and what you have been crying about then those are the people who least understand you and your story. No one gets it except for yourself and that dark shadow of yours.

You see no one every signed up to fight your case. So just for today please don't bother. Just for today let go and learn to breathe all over again. Keep your shadow right next to you for it might get lost in the huge crowds you've surrounding yourself with lately. You see we both now like the noise and that too..lots of it. And by now you have understood that the shadow is perhaps just a metaphor in this story...

When I get time to come home from those 80 hours/ week kinda days  then its a very bittersweet kind of a feeling. When the elevator door opens all I hear is the sweet sound of cutlery and dinner conversations. Some are in English and rest in French. That is family time. I don't have that here. In some context I'm pretty homeless but apartment-some. I know that's not a word. Ignore it..why don't you?

You see there are no heroes or villains in this story. There are definite demons of the past colliding with the nightmares of today but that's a story for some other day. Some might call me a hero of my story but I think that wouldn't be fair. I can be self loathing at times. I'm a huge Hunter S. Thompson loathing is in my nature. A hero doesn't loathe.. just so you know.

Let me tell you something without saying much... there used to be a lot of noise in my life. I had to run from it. I had to make sure that I didn't look back. I knew it was the right time. And now I don't remember how I went from being a past hero of my story to the anti-hero of my present. Even if you paid me I couldn't tell simply because I don't have the memory of it.. so kindly do not ask. There is a lot of pain somewhere along and I am who I am because of it but I can't talk about it...anymore.

Dearest shadow..let's close all the doors behind us this time. I think its best. In the ruins of this solitude let the anti-hero carve a city that no one chooses to live in. Its not a nice place so don't hang around this town.

And I know I've fumbled with my words at times but destroying myself one molecule at a time has become my most favorite hobby.

And just so YOU know..I think of you every time I read a quote on love. And I think of me every time the doctor calls the time of death in the ER. And as that happens I watch my shadow disappear into the thin air.

And when that happens I go back and read a quote on love so when I smile... its because of your face.

And while that happens... the anti-hero surrenders every time.

So Takecare...because at the end of it all...

This struggle is worth it.