I've been wondering if I should start screaming now. Will I out-do life? Will I surrender before my time? Because I need to scream. This pain is too unbearable. The anxiety is never ending.
But to escape this chaos I wonder about a lot of things. That's just me. I dream a lot as well. If my dreams were people then they could easily over populate the island of Manhattan. They could make it more congested than it already is...easily. Not that this has anything to do with me but...New York I simply love you...
I love New York because it sums up the chaos within me. If my heart were a city..It'd be New York. But no one needs to know that. But hiding in it would be easy. It'd be a busy place. My heart that is. Between the chaos and the numbness. Right between the folds of heart ache. Some days I'd hide in there because there is more to me. The part that I sometimes don't like so I presume that you wouldn't like it either. I know I'm too hard on myself. I'm my worst critic and you just wanted to be my friend all this time.
I used to laugh in the face of despair because I had a good head on my shoulders. But things have changed now. I cry every time I face this thing called happiness. Because its not my normal. Some days I'm even sorry for my achievements. I used to be different. I've now lost my confidence.
I used to think that if I opened up then it would stop hurting as much. I've now realized that I did open up. I told my story. You were the chosen one. And look how much you're hurting now. I've changed you. I've changed myself as well. I went from bad to worse and you ...well you went from good to bad. I'm sorry for that.
Today I just want to say that I really truly madly love you. I never meant to hurt you...but I know that's what everyone says at the end..but here is what's different..I'm saying it now. Before the end.
I don't know if I should think from the heart anymore. After all it brought me to you one day. I was down and out that day and I had put out a "hello" to the universe. You replied. Perhaps because you were meant to reply back. My theory is that you made your first mistake then and there but then I have a lot of theories and most don't make sense.
I once met a dying patient at the hospital who told me that he wouldn't survive. I asked him as to why that is? He said its because he prayed so much that he thinks he ran out of prayers and then one day he got diagnosed with cancer. A few days later..he died.
My theory is the exact opposite of that. I have never prayed for myself. I felt selfish doing it. And now I feel like its too late. I know I will die as well one day. We all will. And that is a fact.
Today I just want you to hold my hand and remember when we were at the top of Eiffel Tower. That was a high point. In every sense. And I also want you to remember when we came down and decided to look up. That was a low point. Not in every sense. We had smiled at each other with the look that 'We were just up there'.
And that is exactly what life is all about..my dearest. You can't always be happy. As much as you want it to stay..it leaves us before we know it.
And that's the thing about sadness as well. It doesn't last forever.
However You and I will.
So I'm truly sorry for the pain. But we just passed a sign that said..'Good times ahead'
So lets kiss because..
I love you..