Monday, May 20, 2013

I Won't Say It

Something died in me today. It was rather strange. Come to think of it they didn't diagnose me with terminal cancer. It was someone else. It was their problem. Not mine. I'm not going to die so what died in me today? Why are we so selfish when it comes to our sadness and sorrow? Atleast I'm. Believe me if you know me then you would know that I don't share my pain. I try not to. It doesn't seem right. I like this pain. I long for it. That's just me. But that's besides the point. Yes I'm selfish when it comes to tragedy.

Today was rather nostalgic. I found myself in my own imagination standing in this souvenir shop in New York city. If you know me then you must know how I love that city. I don't remember where the store is located but there is a mini Statue of Liberty outside of this store. My mother was in the next isle buying something for me. And I was in this isle looking for something for her. I don't think we bought anything from that store that day but we were there pretty much next to each other thinking of each other. She is not here today with me. And I'm not in New York city. But today I paid a visit to that beloved city but it wasn't even about the city. It was about Mom and I. She isn't here but then you can only have nostalgia or progression. I chose progression. Life chose it for me. I'm sorry for disappointing everyone.

And then there are days when I feel extremely isolated. I blame this city. Its the city of muddy waters. And in winter it dips down to -45. I blame all of it. Its easier to blame someone or something else. The point is that there are days when the sadness slowly creeps into my eyes. It worsens when no one notices it. They think I'm flying freely here. Whoever they are. I bet some of them envy me for having all this freedom. I'm sorry for disappointing them all once again because I'm not flying away here...I have in fact cut off my own wings.

My silence is my only companion here. You might call it a tragedy. The rest might label it as triumph. Don't ask as to what I call it. I might not be able to explain it. Its somewhere along the lines of longing. But I can't explain this quest. I'm sorry for disappointing you all over again.

I saw the world come crashing down today. Like I said someone found out that they were going to die. It wasn't my world that crashed and it wasn't my cancer. There is hope in every breath. Its limited therefore its limited hope. But what died in me today still remains a mystery.

And I'll let it be a mystery because you're forgetting the most important thing about me.

I don't share my pain. But I wasn't like this before. I'm sorry for the person I'm not today.

I'm really very sorry.