Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The Shape Of My Heart

I had forgotten how the sky looked like anymore. The elements had started to crossbreed among themselves. My water had become your fire. And your air became my earth and then I found myself drowning so deep that every memory of that color of the sky got lost somewhere. I don't think I will ever be getting that back.

Perhaps it wasn't even fire or air. Maybe it was just the absence of rain. But one day I woke up and it had all stopped hurting. Whatever it was. Maybe the nerve endings had died. I didn't know anything anymore.

Even now I'm still stuck on the other side of things. So I have no choice but to scream my feelings out to you. I don't mean to raise my voice but sometimes its hard for you to understand me because we are so far apart. I'm sorry I won't scream at you again. Its not a nice feeling and I don't like doing it anyway.

But you see I have to go and fix myself. I have to fix what you subconsciously broke. I can't take your help because a part of me can't let you be the abuser and the healer. But if I don't go now my fire will turn into water and maybe it will wash away everything and who knows where you and I would end up? I mean really.. we can't predict the future anymore.

Because you know what? You can only hurt someone until it actually hurts. Then one day either you don't wake up or it just stops hurting. But I can't leave you behind for too long anyway because you know why? You're my map to home. The one that is now starting to fall apart. Maybe one day it will burn down. Maybe one day a cyclone will hit it. Perhaps one day the earth will break into two halves and our home will be in the middle of it. I don't know.. the elements don't make sense yet they are all fighting for the top spot here. Our worlds will collide. And it might be the most beautiful disaster to ever take place.

And now there is this rock bottom and myself. And every single painful memory is relevant. And every moment of love is now a faded memory. That's whats so fascinating about heart break. It breaks you in so many ways that perhaps it actually ends up changing the shape of your heart.

 So hold on tight because this just might be the beginning of the end.