One Day You Will Read This

I've been wondering if I should start screaming now. Will I out-do life? Will I surrender before my time? Because I need to scream. This pain is too unbearable. The anxiety is never ending.

But to escape this chaos I wonder about a lot of things. That's just me. I dream a lot as well. If my dreams were people then they could easily over populate the island of Manhattan. They could make it more congested than it already is...easily. Not that this has anything to do with me but...New York I simply love you...

I love New York because it sums up the chaos within me. If my heart were a city..It'd be New York. But no one needs to know that. But hiding in it would be easy. It'd be a busy place. My heart that is. Between the chaos and the numbness. Right between the folds of heart ache. Some days I'd hide in there because there is more to me. The part that I sometimes don't like so I presume that you wouldn't like it either. I know I'm too hard on myself. I'm my worst critic and you just wanted to be my friend all this time.

I used to laugh in the face of despair because I had a good head on my shoulders. But things have changed now. I cry every time I face this thing called happiness. Because its not my normal. Some days I'm even sorry for my achievements. I used to be different. I've now lost my confidence.

I used to think that if I opened up then it would stop hurting as much. I've now realized that I did open up. I told my story. You were the chosen one. And look how much you're hurting now. I've changed you. I've changed myself as well. I went from bad to worse and you ...well you went from good to bad. I'm sorry for that. 

Today I just want to say that I really truly madly love you. I never meant to hurt you...but I know that's what everyone says at the end..but here is what's different..I'm saying it now. Before the end.

I don't know if I should think from the heart anymore. After all it brought me to you one day. I was down and out that day and I had put out a "hello" to the universe. You replied. Perhaps because you were meant to reply back. My theory is that you made your first mistake then and there but then I have a lot of theories and most don't make sense.

I once met a dying patient at the hospital who told me that he wouldn't survive. I asked him as to why that is? He said its because he prayed so much that he thinks he ran out of prayers and then one day he got diagnosed with cancer. A few days later..he died.

My theory is the exact opposite of that. I have never prayed for myself. I felt selfish doing it. And now I feel like its too late. I know I will die as well one day. We all will. And that is a fact.

Today I just want you to hold my hand and remember when we were at the top of Eiffel Tower. That was a high point. In every sense. And I also want you to remember when we came down and decided to look up. That was a low point. Not in every sense. We had smiled at each other with the look that 'We were just up there'.

And that is exactly what life is all about..my dearest. You can't always be happy. As much as you want it to stay..it leaves us before we know it.

And that's the thing about sadness as well. It doesn't last forever.

However You and I will.

So I'm truly sorry for the pain. But we just passed a sign that said..'Good times ahead'

So lets kiss because..

I love you..

The Forgotten Ones

Just hold on tight because the day you start hearing the silent laughter of the world...I will come to you and ask you about it. I've been meaning to ask someone so who better than yourself?

Where is life going right now you ask? Well... I didn't stand in front of a tank today to start a revolution. Nor I didn't wake up this morning. My house wasn't bombed either. My unborn child didn't just die inside me nor he or she got diagnosed with cancer. None of that happened. Maybe someone day but today wasn't that day.

However today I had a vision of a 13 year old me hiding under my uncle's cherry finish office desk. I used to hide from the world then. I remember the cacophony of past voices.Voices that discussed literature, politics, music and poetry over tea every evening. Sweet voices of my own people. People who are not my own anymore. Voices that are now bitter. So much has changed over time. I've changed over this time. Its been a shelter-less journey and I would never  lie to you (this time...maybe).

I know its unfair to you but I don't except you to know my past. I once lived you know... I once loved as well and soon I will be a memory. We all will be. Tell me how would you like to remember me? You can whisper it. Don't be shy please. I need to know this. 

The world has made me very cold. I blame myself for that. I let the world do that to me. I grew old in the shadow of that coldness. I will die feeling bleak.. I know that already. 

But you are the only reason I keep bouncing back. All this pain. This loss. The peripheral loss is all the world sees and they laugh at it. The fact is that I've lost myself in this horrible process. The fact is that I don't have words to describe this awful pain... And the world has ignored my pain... completely. 

I won't lie to you.. but it might be all lies from here onwards.

I apologize in advance. 

But I will bounce back. 

I still have you..

The Human Side Of Me

Just there right where the comfort zone ends.. my actual journey began. I feel almost sorry for some of you since you have never known any other place but your comfort zone. But that is okay because I have nothing to do with you. I am here for myself. I know its selfish but sometimes life brings you at certain crossroads and you have to start running and you have to make sure that you run really fast so not a single dark shadow of the past can keep up and eventually triumph is all yours.

But who are we kidding here? Shadows don't leave us. They stay with us because perhaps there is absence of light. If you have taken science then you would know as to what I'm saying here. If you haven't then.. well step out of your comfort zone perhaps and try out a different course. Maybe science..maybe economics..or perhaps basic calculus?

So why is my shadow so important to me...you ask? Well because I think in all of these years I have been most humane to my shadow and that is pretty much it. I would tell you my story but this is not the place nor the time for it. And I have stopped trying to tell my story. You see when you try to make people understand who you are and what you have been crying about then those are the people who least understand you and your story. No one gets it except for yourself and that dark shadow of yours.

You see no one every signed up to fight your case. So just for today please don't bother. Just for today let go and learn to breathe all over again. Keep your shadow right next to you for it might get lost in the huge crowds you've surrounding yourself with lately. You see we both now like the noise and that too..lots of it. And by now you have understood that the shadow is perhaps just a metaphor in this story...

When I get time to come home from those 80 hours/ week kinda days  then its a very bittersweet kind of a feeling. When the elevator door opens all I hear is the sweet sound of cutlery and dinner conversations. Some are in English and rest in French. That is family time. I don't have that here. In some context I'm pretty homeless but apartment-some. I know that's not a word. Ignore it..why don't you?

You see there are no heroes or villains in this story. There are definite demons of the past colliding with the nightmares of today but that's a story for some other day. Some might call me a hero of my story but I think that wouldn't be fair. I can be self loathing at times. I'm a huge Hunter S. Thompson fan..so loathing is in my nature. A hero doesn't loathe.. just so you know.

Let me tell you something without saying much... there used to be a lot of noise in my life. I had to run from it. I had to make sure that I didn't look back. I knew it was the right time. And now I don't remember how I went from being a past hero of my story to the anti-hero of my present. Even if you paid me I couldn't tell simply because I don't have the memory of it.. so kindly do not ask. There is a lot of pain somewhere along and I am who I am because of it but I can't talk about it...anymore.

Dearest shadow..let's close all the doors behind us this time. I think its best. In the ruins of this solitude let the anti-hero carve a city that no one chooses to live in. Its not a nice place so don't hang around this town.

And I know I've fumbled with my words at times but destroying myself one molecule at a time has become my most favorite hobby.

And just so YOU know..I think of you every time I read a quote on love. And I think of me every time the doctor calls the time of death in the ER. And as that happens I watch my shadow disappear into the thin air.

And when that happens I go back and read a quote on love so when I smile... its because of your face.

And while that happens... the anti-hero surrenders every time.

So Takecare...because at the end of it all...

This struggle is worth it.  

Home Of The Blues

I have to say this you know.. I've loved you so much at times that it has beyond destroyed me. The pain was almost blinding. That's how severely I've suffered. But I could talk in riddles and give you names like I don't know...Seth or Brad or Jake. And maybe I could be Emilia or Jane or Leslie...but we would still be walking around with the same amount of pain so.. I don't know.

But there is one thing I want to confess today.. these so called prisons in my mind are not actually prisons. These are some beautiful designs of disaster. I can't explain the difference so kindly do not ask.

You see I can't summarize my day for you everytime. I can't explain what goes on in my heart. The novelty of my misery starts to fade away. I know I sound selfish but such is misery. You want it all to yourself. Its like the lottery for lovers. You're either all in or you go home. I know its crazy. But to be fair I never promised you normalcy.

I told you that I might be dying soon. You got all worked up and said you will die first. I don't know why you had to get so competitive. Its death after all. The truth is my dear that...no one dies together. Infact we die alone. Individually. And no amount of solace is enough. I've seen people go... so trust me on this.

I would ask for two things when I die. A) I'd request God to send me back for a second chance because I would like to keep trying. B) If I can't be granted A then I'd like the power to make flowers weep for a day. I would like to send the message of sorrow in hope that you might notice it. So please try and notice it.

I want you to know that the world needs people like you. The world also needs people like me so that they can get to know and appreciate people like you. The world also needs courage. It also needs less chaos. But above all the world needs less plane crashes.

I've said good bye before and I've asked you to hold on. You've done the same in your low moments. You're getting better at fixing what you at first accidentally (and sometimes on purpose) broke. Mind you I'm starting to like the feeling of being destroyed because you always come back to rebuild me. Its a vicious circle. I've grown to love it.

And you see I'm getting better at shattering you into pieces and then putting them together and that's how it goes on now..

So my love.. keep holding on. And in my dearest dream...please hold my hand in that city of lights.

Because..

Misery loves company.

Thank you...

The Shape Of My Heart

I had forgotten how the sky looked like anymore. The elements had started to crossbreed among themselves. My water had become your fire. And your air became my earth and then I found myself drowning so deep that every memory of that color of the sky got lost somewhere. I don't think I will ever be getting that back.

Perhaps it wasn't even fire or air. Maybe it was just the absence of rain. But one day I woke up and it had all stopped hurting. Whatever it was. Maybe the nerve endings had died. I didn't know anything anymore.

Even now I'm still stuck on the other side of things. So I have no choice but to scream my feelings out to you. I don't mean to raise my voice but sometimes its hard for you to understand me because we are so far apart. I'm sorry I won't scream at you again. Its not a nice feeling and I don't like doing it anyway.

But you see I have to go and fix myself. I have to fix what you subconsciously broke. I can't take your help because a part of me can't let you be the abuser and the healer. But if I don't go now my fire will turn into water and maybe it will wash away everything and who knows where you and I would end up? I mean really.. we can't predict the future anymore.

Because you know what? You can only hurt someone until it actually hurts. Then one day either you don't wake up or it just stops hurting. But I can't leave you behind for too long anyway because you know why? You're my map to home. The one that is now starting to fall apart. Maybe one day it will burn down. Maybe one day a cyclone will hit it. Perhaps one day the earth will break into two halves and our home will be in the middle of it. I don't know.. the elements don't make sense yet they are all fighting for the top spot here. Our worlds will collide. And it might be the most beautiful disaster to ever take place.

And now there is this rock bottom and myself. And every single painful memory is relevant. And every moment of love is now a faded memory. That's whats so fascinating about heart break. It breaks you in so many ways that perhaps it actually ends up changing the shape of your heart.

 So hold on tight because this just might be the beginning of the end.  

Its Time To Say Goodbye..Maybe

I will always be a street away from that happiness that was so called mine. I will always be behind the wrong side of the fence. I think I've lost my chance...

And in the midst of this madness I trampled all over my own existence. In the midst of these moments of insanity you had left me alone. In these instants of chaos I had given up and lost all my confidence. Where were you then? And why did you let go?

But I want to tell my story. I think its time. But no one is listening and it seems like I have lost you as well.

There were thousands of ways of dying. I ignored 'em all. I swear to you. I ignored 'em all.

Heart disease. Stroke. Cancer.

But guess what? I chose you.

So I chose heartache.

Rather..Heartache chose me.


"So, goodbye
Please stay with your own kind
And I'll stay with mine
There's something against us
It's not time...It's not time
So, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye..."
-The Smiths

These Sinking Ships

It all needs to sink in first and then for the dust to settle, it will take time. 

Denial. Anger. Bargain. Depression....and Acceptance.

And I miss you.

Because you see without that...its just noise all around us. I didn't destroy myself. You didn't do it either. Infact all along we were the sane ones. The world went mad. And its really hard to explain.

So I wish this equation could be explained. Its too fragile right now.So lets not touch that.

At this point I wish there was another universe. But there isn't any point. This ache would have created the same ripple effect and would have set everything on fire by now anyway.

But do you remember before there was fire? The edges of the earth were much softer. Less flaky.

So excuse me because I need to dream brighter dreams.

And in the midst of this chaos. While the world keeps crumbling down at me and while the high tides keep pulling us apart...I just want to say that I love you and I won't apologize for it.

Gravity is only doing me wrong. Its drowning me.

And the music doesn't make much sense anymore.

So I hope you miss me too....