I Owe You A Father

My Dearest Daughter,

I'm writing to you today because you deserve to know the truth. I couldn't give you much all these years but I thought I should at least tell you the truth about why I couldn't get myself to love you all these years. You gave me many moments of joy and pride. And some filled with tears. But I couldn't get myself to show much emotion and I know all this time you thought you were not worthy of anything. I know it felt like one day I stopped loving you. I know I broke your heart. But I can't say sorry enough times because I feel it won't mean much right now. You're not well. And you need me. You need everyone around you but I can't be there. So I will be consistent this time as well and not be there for you. You can hate me because why would you love me at this point in time? Why would anyone in his/her right mind still care for me?

I don't even know if you still wish to know the answers to questions you've never asked me. Not to my face at least. You grew old before your time because you had to. I was the child and so all of you had to be the adults. I don't know as to what I'm saying anymore...

Maybe we should leave it here. One day I will tell your story to you because you need closure. In the midst of your life you deserve this ending but maybe I'm not ready to write it just yet.

But for all the milestones of your life that I was absent for and the few I attended half-heartedly... I'm truly very sorry.

Happy Belated Birthday.

Late Night Musings

I have loved you more than what they say in the books or how they try to describe it in song lyrics. Believe me I have loved you in ways you can't even begin to imagine. Yes you can't imagine it and that's not because you haven't loved me as deeply. Its because you were busy loving me in your own strange unusual ways.

Maybe there were days when we missed each other. Its because we were obsessed with carving out the love for each other. We were busy. We were in love. Maybe more so with the idea that we were carving out in those moments. Did you see me, my love? I sure missed you.

We can all keep competing like this and we can keep missing out on what matters. But its love and it isn't a competition. Its not a race. Its actually a brisk walk or a moment when you need to sit still. So let's live like that. Without any prejudices or biases and without having to rush through it.

Because for us to keep surviving we don't need any fancy ingredients. We just need oxygen and water. And this feeling that life would fall apart if you ever let go of my hand in a crowd or wherever. That feeling only lovers have.

So let's go and please let's keep it very simple.

Oxygen + Water + That Sinking Feeling.

And we will be happy.

I promise.

Good night!

The Half Truth In These Lies

Maybe I will tell you jokes and divert your attention. That's how I am. Maybe the sad truth is that I am scared and have started to feel really nervous. Right now at this moment, at 4:30 am in this lonely hotel room in the highest capital of Europe...I'm probably scared than ever.

Maybe I should retire myself from this race because I'm a wounded player at the moment. You'll have to fight this on your own or maybe cease this battle for a moment or two so I can try to recover. As pretentious as it may sound because who am I kidding? I was born wounded and I will die aching.

But I shouldn't lie to you at least. This isn't a race my love. This is life. And I'm not gonna cheapen it by calling it a race. The fact is that whatever it is.. without you something as simple as water separates to 2 atoms of Hydrogen and an atom of Oxygen and the Covalent bond refuses to form. Life as you know can not exist when that happens.

And as you know You and I also began with an atom but so much has changed since then. Now that's life. I mean to say evolution. Change is our only constant. But some people refuse to believe in evolution. But then there are certain things you don't repeat in front of a certain audience.

Like a sexual joke in front of a rape victim, Like the term, "Some people/things never change" in front of a scientist or "Women are secondary to men" in front of a feminist.

Maybe my thoughts are too chaotic tonight and nothing is making sense but in the midst of living all these lies.. I want to confess something.
I have forgotten as to how to live without you. In case I ever have to. 

And for such an independent person...isn't that the worst nightmare ever?

But on the other hand..isn't it the most beautiful that has ever happened?

We are in this together.

God Bless.

I Shall Remain Silent

Maybe its time. Maybe you should know as to why I've been away. Or maybe you're just not ready to face the truth. Perhaps the same could be said about me but oh well. Let's leave semantics for some other day. But as promised.. I should fill this void with words. That's all I've got anyway.

But what could I possibly say now? Nothing can be said or done. Its too late. So I won't speak of my feelings, of my desires, or the things I want to do. To you. With you. And for you.

So forget it. Pretend like "I" never happened. And I shall pretend the same.

I swear I won't speak of my hunger. For you. For your touch. I wanted to tell you so many things. I wanted to tell you how I felt. There is so much you don't even know about me.

But its too late. The doors have been shut. If you want you can do the same. Just hold on to your desires. Hold on to all the things you want to do. To me. With me. And for me. Because its only fair.

Let our silences speak to each other from now on. Let 'em enjoy each other's misery and let em suffocate in the deep love. But I am so tempted to speak. So tempted to touch. But I shall refrain.

I promise you my dearest that I will let my desires board the sinking ships of our hopeless tomorrow. I assure you I will personally drown them because...

I shouldn't forget that I wasn't completely loved by you. I was almost loved.

And I shall live with the memories of that almost love.

Forever.