For Selfish Reasons

I told you I always wondered about where people went post death. I wonder what is God's will in separating loved ones? The day I go will be the end of us. Or would it be? Would the music stop playing? Would the smell of earth post rain be the same? Will it ever stop hurting this much? You're right..I don't have the answers but I think I'm allowed to ask these questions.

But then I wonder if you'd watch the same shows. If you'd listen to the same songs. If you'd dare to open those photo albums. There is always a first time for everything. Mind you if you stop living after me then you'd miss out on the beauty of the aforementioned first times. And what about my book collection? Would you donate it to the local library?

Will you cry after accidentally sending me a text message? Will you leave me voice messages or set my plate  at the dining table? How would it feel when you'd eat alone for the first time?

Would you expose your wounds to others or would you take it all in? Mind you if you decide to let it all out then maybe that's a good thing because you wouldn't be alone. And just so you know I wouldn't be alone either.

Because you see there are enough broken hearts walking around. And just so you know the other halves of those broken hearts are just as miserable on the other side. I'm sure they are walking around incomplete as well. This is a universe of incompleteness. Something that can't be helped.

So maybe keep your eyes closed and you might be able to relive our last moments again and again. Denial works wonders. It saves us from a lot of harm at times.

But there is something I most definitely know at this point in time. I will die. You will as well. I would prefer to die first for selfish reasons. Forgive me for that if you can. But love remains. We just learn to love differently. You will learn as well. Sitting at my grave one day maybe you'll read my poems. My proses. Maybe you'll look at those albums. I most definitely know that you'll think of me. And us.

There is also one more thing I know...

Let's live for now before it all happens. Lets make the most of it. Let's not write this story backwards.

I know that now.