The Shape Of My Heart

I had forgotten how the sky looked like anymore. The elements had started to crossbreed among themselves. My water had become your fire. And your air became my earth and then I found myself drowning so deep that every memory of that color of the sky got lost somewhere. I don't think I will ever be getting that back.

Perhaps it wasn't even fire or air. Maybe it was just the absence of rain. But one day I woke up and it had all stopped hurting. Whatever it was. Maybe the nerve endings had died. I didn't know anything anymore.

Even now I'm still stuck on the other side of things. So I have no choice but to scream my feelings out to you. I don't mean to raise my voice but sometimes its hard for you to understand me because we are so far apart. I'm sorry I won't scream at you again. Its not a nice feeling and I don't like doing it anyway.

But you see I have to go and fix myself. I have to fix what you subconsciously broke. I can't take your help because a part of me can't let you be the abuser and the healer. But if I don't go now my fire will turn into water and maybe it will wash away everything and who knows where you and I would end up? I mean really.. we can't predict the future anymore.

Because you know what? You can only hurt someone until it actually hurts. Then one day either you don't wake up or it just stops hurting. But I can't leave you behind for too long anyway because you know why? You're my map to home. The one that is now starting to fall apart. Maybe one day it will burn down. Maybe one day a cyclone will hit it. Perhaps one day the earth will break into two halves and our home will be in the middle of it. I don't know.. the elements don't make sense yet they are all fighting for the top spot here. Our worlds will collide. And it might be the most beautiful disaster to ever take place.

And now there is this rock bottom and myself. And every single painful memory is relevant. And every moment of love is now a faded memory. That's whats so fascinating about heart break. It breaks you in so many ways that perhaps it actually ends up changing the shape of your heart.

 So hold on tight because this just might be the beginning of the end.  

Its Time To Say Goodbye..Maybe

I will always be a street away from that happiness that was so called mine. I will always be behind the wrong side of the fence. I think I've lost my chance...

And in the midst of this madness I trampled all over my own existence. In the midst of these moments of insanity you had left me alone. In these instants of chaos I had given up and lost all my confidence. Where were you then? And why did you let go?

But I want to tell my story. I think its time. But no one is listening and it seems like I have lost you as well.

There were thousands of ways of dying. I ignored 'em all. I swear to you. I ignored 'em all.

Heart disease. Stroke. Cancer.

But guess what? I chose you.

So I chose heartache.

Rather..Heartache chose me.


"So, goodbye
Please stay with your own kind
And I'll stay with mine
There's something against us
It's not time...It's not time
So, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye..."
-The Smiths

These Sinking Ships

It all needs to sink in first and then for the dust to settle, it will take time. 

Denial. Anger. Bargain. Depression....and Acceptance.

And I miss you.

Because you see without that...its just noise all around us. I didn't destroy myself. You didn't do it either. Infact all along we were the sane ones. The world went mad. And its really hard to explain.

So I wish this equation could be explained. Its too fragile right now.So lets not touch that.

At this point I wish there was another universe. But there isn't any point. This ache would have created the same ripple effect and would have set everything on fire by now anyway.

But do you remember before there was fire? The edges of the earth were much softer. Less flaky.

So excuse me because I need to dream brighter dreams.

And in the midst of this chaos. While the world keeps crumbling down at me and while the high tides keep pulling us apart...I just want to say that I love you and I won't apologize for it.

Gravity is only doing me wrong. Its drowning me.

And the music doesn't make much sense anymore.

So I hope you miss me too....

Saving Hope

This world is so full of rage. And the outer world seems to be less chaotic this time around. The imbalance might be the death of everything.  But death in a haste might is the worst possible type of ending because all you're left with is ...what if?

And when you feel so isolated in great company..what can you do? A voice within tells you to hold on. But what/who do you hold on to then and there? The great company is oblivious to your pain. Its not their pain after all. Its not their death. Its your own.

It has also to do with your scars. The ones they can't see. The one you wouldn't show. So tell me how would they see them anyway?

I wish you knew that no work, no meeting, no assignment, no project, no other soul is more important than you. Than us. Then what happens? I'm as lost as you are.

So I will try to suppress the voice within. I will work on keeping the chaos down to a minimum. My minimum is relative though. It might be your maximum and I'm sorry for that. I just know that I'd rather miss you while being with you than missing you when you're gone. Because things that bother me the most will be the things that will eventually kill me if they are not around to bother me so much. You're following the vicious circle of life here right?

Did you know that when hope becomes just a distant idea and a new rock bottom becomes your reality is when you take a ride to hell in a downward spiral? Your wounds take over the old ones. I really don't know what happens with the old ones. I'm sure there is some kind of a hand off. Something like in a shift change. Do you know what I mean? Or I guess they just get buried under the new ones... in the most incorrect ways possible.

I know Love was never the destination. I think the chess board was set up wrong from the get go. Love was supposed to be the journey we were in..together. It wasn't the ultimate goal. We are still a couple of rookies. We'll get better with time. We'll find new ways to hurt each other. We'll find hope once again. It may have taken a wrong turn and we seem to have lost it. I have atleast.

But in the mean time just hold on. Like we always said. Just hold on. This might not be over. This actually might have just begun...so for the love of God....hold on. 

Main doob raha hoon ....abhi dooba to nahin hoon

Just remember that.

Thank you.

Inferno

“Believe me, I know what it's like to feel all alone...the worst kind of loneliness in the world is isolation that comes from being misunderstood, it can make people lose their grasp on reality." ― Dan Brown, Inferno

And I wish you also knew this state of isolation. Sadly you don't. Or maybe that's good? But you won't ever be able to get too close. You'll always be on the periphery. I wish I could share more today.

I wish I could tell you more. Why I'm the way I'm. Why I say the things I say. And above all where all that anger and resentment comes from. I wish I could spell it out for you. The damages of the past became the builders of tomorrow's misery.

Someone else did the harm and someone else has to pay for it. How is that ever fair you asked me? And I obviously had no answer. The silence between us is not due to lack of conversation. This silence has my screams in every fold.

I wish you could hear that. I wish you knew. My reality has now become your misery.

I'm now your inferno.  

I'm extremely sorry.

Because I have a lot of unfulfilled wishes.  

Sorry about that...

I Won't Say It

Something died in me today. It was rather strange. Come to think of it they didn't diagnose me with terminal cancer. It was someone else. It was their problem. Not mine. I'm not going to die so what died in me today? Why are we so selfish when it comes to our sadness and sorrow? Atleast I'm. Believe me if you know me then you would know that I don't share my pain. I try not to. It doesn't seem right. I like this pain. I long for it. That's just me. But that's besides the point. Yes I'm selfish when it comes to tragedy.

Today was rather nostalgic. I found myself in my own imagination standing in this souvenir shop in New York city. If you know me then you must know how I love that city. I don't remember where the store is located but there is a mini Statue of Liberty outside of this store. My mother was in the next isle buying something for me. And I was in this isle looking for something for her. I don't think we bought anything from that store that day but we were there pretty much next to each other thinking of each other. She is not here today with me. And I'm not in New York city. But today I paid a visit to that beloved city but it wasn't even about the city. It was about Mom and I. She isn't here but then you can only have nostalgia or progression. I chose progression. Life chose it for me. I'm sorry for disappointing everyone.

And then there are days when I feel extremely isolated. I blame this city. Its the city of muddy waters. And in winter it dips down to -45. I blame all of it. Its easier to blame someone or something else. The point is that there are days when the sadness slowly creeps into my eyes. It worsens when no one notices it. They think I'm flying freely here. Whoever they are. I bet some of them envy me for having all this freedom. I'm sorry for disappointing them all once again because I'm not flying away here...I have in fact cut off my own wings.

My silence is my only companion here. You might call it a tragedy. The rest might label it as triumph. Don't ask as to what I call it. I might not be able to explain it. Its somewhere along the lines of longing. But I can't explain this quest. I'm sorry for disappointing you all over again.

I saw the world come crashing down today. Like I said someone found out that they were going to die. It wasn't my world that crashed and it wasn't my cancer. There is hope in every breath. Its limited therefore its limited hope. But what died in me today still remains a mystery.

And I'll let it be a mystery because you're forgetting the most important thing about me.

I don't share my pain. But I wasn't like this before. I'm sorry for the person I'm not today.

I'm really very sorry.  

The Monk Who Had It All

In that deepest despair I once knew so well

And when the spring arrived I lost my child

So I buried her on top of a deserted grave

A Monk nearby, to himself he just smiled

He could read my not so transparent eyes

Silence prevailed all around him and I

Nothing except it was his greatest lie

How he had really wished for wings to fly

How abandoned & ancient this feeling was

That dying emotion of that passion once

The door behind me had now been closed 

Separated from the memory of my loved one

Imagine those secrets the Monk must have

Sorrows & sadness hidden under that serenity

Here's my soul caught up in materialistic affairs

His is so clear with endless layers of purity

I bid my final good bye to my unborn child

The cruel God had written a destiny in a haste

The breeze might make my child feel cold 

For she is dead, a precious life gone to waste

His eyes converse, you have it wrong my dear, I say

My womb shall be empty, You won't know the pain

I've screamed my share of screams so you know

But I shall wish you well until we meet again

The peace he has, I'll never have

His eyes say adieu, that's the last call

Envy was in every drop of my existence

For he was the Monk who had it all