Thursday, April 5, 2012

I Wasn't Born To Lose You

My desk is filled with books. And notes. Endless Cardiology notes. Notes on Arrhythmias and Cardiovascular birth defects. Then there are notes on Abnormal Psychology and case studies of Agoraphobia. Underneath those is a copy of Anna Karenina. I started reading it again. It made me happy. It reminded me of simpler times. Don't ask. Its hard to explain.

In the midst of all the aforementioned books and notes there lies a subtle reminder of an unfulfilled dream. A dream I've been thinking about a lot lately. Its not like life is going down hill. In fact I've never known a better face of life until now. There is not just one specific aspect responsible for it. And no there is no particular person involved either. Its a combination of everything. The stars seem to be aligning (Knock on wood) just fine. They had to align one day. After all my happiness was due sooner or later.

Its been some strange 12 months. The ones of fewer words and many thoughts. The ones of more laughter than pain. Like I said its been strange. I never knew life like that. But yes pain is there as well. It walks with me as a constant reminder of how bad things were at times. Like that Bob Dylan song I thought "I wasn't born to lose you" but I was so wrong. I was born to lose it all. Perhaps start from scratch all over again. But then losing it all over again might kill me. So Dear God don't do it this time around. I beg of you. I'm not that strong.

Let's not complicate things. Let's keep them simple this time. I wanted something and I didn't get it. People who were supposed to be responsible for bringing me one step closer to my happiness slept peacefully while I stayed awake and wept till the dawn broke. I never did anyone any wrong. I swear. I tried my very best to be good. There were times when I suffered myself but I protected the ones I cared for. But in the midst of making those sacrifices my dreams were badly burnt. And they got so badly burnt that they couldn't be traced back. Just subtle reminders remained hidden under the souvenirs from the recent past.

Its not just about unfulfilled dreams, its about the almost broken ties with loved ones. Its about grudges I pretend not to have. But who am I kidding? We all have grudges and we all can count our regrets on our finger tips perhaps except for the ones who don't have hands or the ones who do not know how to count. But nevertheless we have them and we should just live with that.

It hurts a lot less since recently. I think its just a void now. Nothing will fill it so I have stopped trying altogether. That's what happens when you lean on your dreams. I thought I'd never make it. People around me do not understand the pain I went through. Sometimes I wish they did. Perhaps if it was death or a break-up, I would have scored more sympathy that way. Maybe if I let a thousand years go by then I might recover from it. I don't know. We'll see. I'll explain more later. I promise.

Time went by and I had to paint new dreams. I was given a canvas and I just had to pick the colors and go for it. So I did. Different dream. A whole different aspect. You see the heart has three natural pacemakers. When one stops, the second takes over right away. Its slower than the first one but it works just fine. So why couldn't I give my dreams a second chance?

Whats the worst that could happen? Death? Well so be it. Life is the one that's short. That's the side of the coin that has an expiry date on it. Death...well death is forever.

Or maybe its not. Perhaps it also ends somewhere.

And then there's love.

And that's whats so tragic about the pain love brings. It can never be shared. You'll never know what went underneath the periphery. You'll only hear of good times. You'll only see the smile you're smitten over. The tears..well I shall keep them to myself only.

So for one last time. Let's meet in Madrid. Or was it Barcelona? Somewhere in Spain. Before death comes in a haste. But never mind you. There's always love. And they say it is forever.

Good Night!

13 comments:

eddiesdomain said...

yar why so brilliant. like why ...

lets meeet in madrid .. or was it barcelona? somewhere in spain ...ufff hi hai ... loved the descriptive mystery aura of the post with hints all over.

Soumya said...

They do say its forever. But at times forever gets over. Believe me.

Ankur said...

So life ends and perhaps, so does death, but love goes on forever - this train of thought feels a little weird coming from you !
I can understand the dread of learning to begin, how to begin again. The joke in the part about grudges was endearingly light-hearted. But what I loved the most, was the part how you can never share the pain, love brings - it is something so intensely personal and tailor-made.
It kind of reminded me of a song - maybe you should check it out;
Sam Behymer's "Hazy".... Happy listening !

MothSmokeLover said...

Ankur - Sigh I guess no one picked up on the sarcasm when I said, "They say it is forever".. I guess I wasn't clear enough. And yes thats a good song! P.s. why was it weird? No don't get me wrong. I'm not a hopeless romantic.

Winter Song said...

Be still, my beating heart.....Nothing lasts forever....everything that has a beginning has an end. That's the biggest joy and greatest tragedy, Love. :)

Winter Song said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Aporia said...

I tell myself no one else gets the pain borne out of a deep, hidden love because no one understands your version of love, but when I read something like this, I think there's a family of broken-hearted writers out there who have loved and lost and on some strange level, they understand, and sometimes that feels good.

Jaded said...

I can only echo what Aporia wrote.. Odd how each of commenting on this post actually GETS it..

Zeba said...

Sigh. This is brilliant. Ah. Another sigh.

Dani Cristina said...

In portuguese-Brasil
Sou sua mais nova amiga no seu blog de fotografias são lindas as imagens.Gostei muito das fotos de leguminosas e a fritura me deu fome.Amo.:)

................your's entirely said...

I am in tears now...cause it relates to my life more than you can think....can't say more ...

Tazeen said...

Been feeling gloomy all day. Reading many posts of yours. I can't say I feel better but it sure feels like I'm not alone out here. That matters.

Zeeshan Ahmed said...

They said it will last forever, they were wrong. Forever is a long time, and us, mere mortals, can only 'dream' of such a time.
Well written, again.