My desk is filled with books. And notes. Endless Cardiology notes. Notes on Arrhythmias and Cardiovascular birth defects. Then there are notes on Abnormal Psychology and case studies of Agoraphobia. Underneath those is a copy of Anna Karenina. I started reading it again. It made me happy. It reminded me of simpler times. Don't ask. Its hard to explain.
In the midst of all the aforementioned books and notes there lies a subtle reminder of an unfulfilled dream. A dream I've been thinking about a lot lately. Its not like life is going down hill. In fact I've never known a better face of life until now. There is not just one specific aspect responsible for it. And no there is no particular person involved either. Its a combination of everything. The stars seem to be aligning (Knock on wood) just fine. They had to align one day. After all my happiness was due sooner or later.
Its been some strange 12 months. The ones of fewer words and many thoughts. The ones of more laughter than pain. Like I said its been strange. I never knew life like that. But yes pain is there as well. It walks with me as a constant reminder of how bad things were at times. Like that Bob Dylan song I thought "I wasn't born to lose you" but I was so wrong. I was born to lose it all. Perhaps start from scratch all over again. But then losing it all over again might kill me. So Dear God don't do it this time around. I beg of you. I'm not that strong.
Let's not complicate things. Let's keep them simple this time. I wanted something and I didn't get it. People who were supposed to be responsible for bringing me one step closer to my happiness slept peacefully while I stayed awake and wept till the dawn broke. I never did anyone any wrong. I swear. I tried my very best to be good. There were times when I suffered myself but I protected the ones I cared for. But in the midst of making those sacrifices my dreams were badly burnt. And they got so badly burnt that they couldn't be traced back. Just subtle reminders remained hidden under the souvenirs from the recent past.
Its not just about unfulfilled dreams, its about the almost broken ties with loved ones. Its about grudges I pretend not to have. But who am I kidding? We all have grudges and we all can count our regrets on our finger tips perhaps except for the ones who don't have hands or the ones who do not know how to count. But nevertheless we have them and we should just live with that.
It hurts a lot less since recently. I think its just a void now. Nothing will fill it so I have stopped trying altogether. That's what happens when you lean on your dreams. I thought I'd never make it. People around me do not understand the pain I went through. Sometimes I wish they did. Perhaps if it was death or a break-up, I would have scored more sympathy that way. Maybe if I let a thousand years go by then I might recover from it. I don't know. We'll see. I'll explain more later. I promise.
Time went by and I had to paint new dreams. I was given a canvas and I just had to pick the colors and go for it. So I did. Different dream. A whole different aspect. You see the heart has three natural pacemakers. When one stops, the second takes over right away. Its slower than the first one but it works just fine. So why couldn't I give my dreams a second chance?
Whats the worst that could happen? Death? Well so be it. Life is the one that's short. That's the side of the coin that has an expiry date on it. Death...well death is forever.
Or maybe its not. Perhaps it also ends somewhere.
And then there's love.
And that's whats so tragic about the pain love brings. It can never be shared. You'll never know what went underneath the periphery. You'll only hear of good times. You'll only see the smile you're smitten over. The tears..well I shall keep them to myself only.
So for one last time. Let's meet in Madrid. Or was it Barcelona? Somewhere in Spain. Before death comes in a haste. But never mind you. There's always love. And they say it is forever.