We lay in bed with our eyes locked in. The air is the same. We keep breathing but my breaths are heavier. It almost seems like they have been carrying a lot of burden on their shoulders. Your breathing however is much lighter. Its more carefree. Just like you perhaps. It doesn't mean much. I'm not here to analyze you anyway. I'm not that qualified after all.
Its not so much about the words. It doesn't matter what you say and how you say it. This is beyond just words. This is about your silence. And sometimes my silence but this is mostly about your silence. It slowly creeps up on me and settles into the dark moments of my life. It makes me not want to kill myself. It becomes my companion in those dark drawn out moments and all I can say is that I could not be more thankful.
You keep telling me that you know what loneliness is like. And I remain quiet because I hate to argue with you. The fact is that you have no idea what loneliness is like. But yes on occasions, during your school years, you have been alone in your dorm room. And yes I know how crappy that feels but my dear... there still remains a difference between being lonely and having alone moments. No matter how much the world around us continues to change, the meaning of these two words would never change. Its definite like an absolute refractory period. But for your sake I do wish it was a relative term & that too just for you.
I have told you so many times before... that you can never know how or what I feel about you. There is something very sacred about the pain love brings. It can only be idolized. And it can not be shared with anyone. So I'm not hiding my pain. I'm simply not sharing it. I know you are confused and its totally okay to feel that way. Its like Science. There is no such thing as "Cold". There is only absence of "Heat". Do you get it now?
But you can't help asking me as to why sometimes it starts to hurt so much? And even though I want to tell you I just can't gather the words and reveal myself to you entirely. Because you might start to think things that are not your concern to begin with. So that side of me shall stay miles away from your shadow. You should never find out as to how it all starts to unfold and how suddenly I become a different person. Someone you do not recognize simply because I will never let you recognize that stranger so full of hate and regrets. Someone who does not know how to love back.
The truth of the matter is that you remind me of my childhood. Simple and content. But the problem is that a lot has happened since then. I would tell you but I think I would scar you as well and I would never wanna do that to you. The truth is that I don't think I would ever love you the way you love me. There was only one man. He hurt me and he hurt me a lot. And no its not about past mistakes. They are not even worth mentioning now. Its about just one man. But lets leave it at that.
So don't bother with me. Or else you might get lost in the thickness of my many layers. It will be harder for you to breathe and I can't watch you suffer.
So lets just lay here in our beds. You on your side of the world and I on this side. Let our silence speak to each other because our words have miserably failed. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. But let's just do it. Our hearts are like cities. Our minds...continents of some sort. Often expanding. With invisible boundaries. The ones I once drew to keep you out. You don't need a passport to get in. You just need indifference to stay out and never care. But I know that's too much to ask for. Sigh.
With silence being our new medium let the tales write themselves from now on.
On the shore of apathy I stood still
Tried hard to suppress the silent screams
Love tried to cross the lines once drawn
In the cave of misery, I locked myself in