Could Have Been

You asked how the story was coming along. I had been working on it for months now. You wanted to know if my writer's block was over. I nodded yes. Then you asked me if I was in it as well. I said yes. Then you asked if you were in it too and I just smiled at you. You wanted to know if you were the lover. I told you I would not assign that part to anyone else except for you. You smirked because you thought love can not be assigned to anyone. Then you wanted to know more about me in the book. 

And all I know if that I could have been more. If only life had given me a chance. But you were confused because you thought I was the writer of this story. I could have given myself super powers if I wanted to. 

What you did not know all along was that this was a memoir. I always wanted it to be. This was my story and all I know now is...

That I could have been more. 

Isn't that the saddest thing that could ever happen to anyone? 

Chapter 1 - A life half lived 

and I scribble on...

For Selfish Reasons

I told you I always wondered about where people went post death. I wonder what is God's will in separating loved ones? The day I go will be the end of us. Or would it be? Would the music stop playing? Would the smell of earth post rain be the same? Will it ever stop hurting this much? You're right..I don't have the answers but I think I'm allowed to ask these questions.

But then I wonder if you'd watch the same shows. If you'd listen to the same songs. If you'd dare to open those photo albums. There is always a first time for everything. Mind you if you stop living after me then you'd miss out on the beauty of the aforementioned first times. And what about my book collection? Would you donate it to the local library?

Will you cry after accidentally sending me a text message? Will you leave me voice messages or set my plate  at the dining table? How would it feel when you'd eat alone for the first time?

Would you expose your wounds to others or would you take it all in? Mind you if you decide to let it all out then maybe that's a good thing because you wouldn't be alone. And just so you know I wouldn't be alone either.

Because you see there are enough broken hearts walking around. And just so you know the other halves of those broken hearts are just as miserable on the other side. I'm sure they are walking around incomplete as well. This is a universe of incompleteness. Something that can't be helped.

So maybe keep your eyes closed and you might be able to relive our last moments again and again. Denial works wonders. It saves us from a lot of harm at times.

But there is something I most definitely know at this point in time. I will die. You will as well. I would prefer to die first for selfish reasons. Forgive me for that if you can. But love remains. We just learn to love differently. You will learn as well. Sitting at my grave one day maybe you'll read my poems. My proses. Maybe you'll look at those albums. I most definitely know that you'll think of me. And us.

There is also one more thing I know...

Let's live for now before it all happens. Lets make the most of it. Let's not write this story backwards.

I know that now.

Nothing Else Matters

Never opened myself this way, life is ours we live it our way, all these words I don't just say
...& nothing else matters -Metallica

Sometimes it takes you a micro second to be so heartless. I have no idea as to where it all even comes from. It leaves me dazed and confused for hours and not the good kind of dazed and confused. But I get it. This is a part of that package. Let's not sit here and give it a name or a title. That's for mediocre people. They have to go ahead and give names to everything. It keeps things less complicated for em. You and I are not mediocre. We might be a complete disaster together but our disasters complete each other. I don't want to say the L word because that just might jinx it all and that would be giving this whole thing a name or a title anyway. Plus walking around half empty doesn't seem like a good option anymore.

Its sudden. I'm standing in line at the coffee shop and I get hit by a memory that's full of pain and remorse and what do I do? I just stand there and wait for my order. I don't let it get to me. Because I know you're half way across the world standing in line at a coffee shop thinking of how badly I've hurt you as well. Its all good. We owe the pain to each other.

Then I come home and ask you as to why you look so sad and you tell me its because you've hurt me. And then I tell you its not the first time you've hurt me and you steal the show with...

Its not the first time I've been this sad. 

Sigh.

The Year 2012

"So you must know that even though you took a road less traveled...In broken, tangled, decaying pieces, I almost did love you as well."

"But how do you console someone who has never known what peace is? How do you explain calm to the restless? And how do you explain sweet dreams to the insomniacs."

"Because in the hollows of uncertainty it was our spirits that were finally at peace post finding each other. And now... life's unfolding at its own pace as I watch you sleep tonight while remembering that for sure today has been okay but here's kissing you good night with a promise that tomorrow will be better."

"And that's whats so tragic about the pain love brings. It can never be shared. You'll never know what went underneath the periphery. You'll only hear of good times. You'll only see the smile you're smitten over. The tears..well I shall keep them to myself only."

"The sky was supposed to come crashing down on all of us. Its an unwritten rule of life. Its a fact so you and I should go ahead and embrace it with open arms. What I feel today wouldn't have felt as great perhaps ten years ago. Had I not gone through the pains and aches, I don't think I would have been afraid of losing you."

"You can't do much when the spirit gets badly bruised...For it is as fragile as the sandcastles we all once built."

"That's how the heart stopped beating. That heart with all the unwritten stories of yester years. The ones of aching love and unfulfilled dreams."

"Her fate was written the day she was named Ophelia."

"Today was also the day when a plane did not crash into a tall building. It was the day when no drone attacks were reported. Today no earthquakes torn a town apart."

"So for one last time. Let's meet in Madrid. Or was it Barcelona? Somewhere in Spain. Before death comes in a haste. But never mind you. There's always love. And they say it is forever."

"And as both of us know that there is no place like home. Even if there's a rip on that couch and a big dark stain on the living room carpet but nevermind all that because home will always be home. They often try to give those suites in those five star hotels the same look but there is a reason celebrities are found dead in expensive hotel suites and not in their homes. There is a reason for that, my love."

"So that is the reason as to why I hate you. But that's mainly because I never stopped loving you. Its complicated. Its like DNA. Its intertwined. You won't understand."

"The abyss of nothingness runs deep within..Bright past often appears blurry suddenly...That ugly darkness hogs from all four corners..And off she goes living that aching memory."

"Then people might ask you about how many times life has kicked you in the gut? And you might not be able to come up with a number. And that is also okay. But the ways to deal with that pain probably out numbers the times you have been hurt. Because I know a thing or two about life as well. It can not be that harsh to anyone."

"Uncertainty lies in every corner of this locality...So my dear child, you got no reason to be blue...Just ahead of the soil moisture withers away..Assure this broken heart that we'll meet again too."

"Set it free this one time, let it fly out the window...That imaginary heart I once drew just in the air..Hoping it would travel the world alone eternally..You then drew one too, we called it a pair."

"Our hearts are like cities. Our minds...continents of some sort. Often expanding. With invisible boundaries. The ones I once drew to keep you out. You don't need a passport to get in. You just need indifference to stay out and never care. But I know that's too much to ask for."

"Just before falling asleep they promised to keep hurting each other. Forever and ever. 

Its unfortunate but that is all there is to their story."

"You know people around us..some of them will die one day. 

Everyone dies (a little)."

"You learn to communicate differently and above all you learn to accept that people will now look at you differently. You are a work in progress but a very different kind of a work. A very fragile and damaged one. This trauma is life long. The solitude. The path on which you walk alone...Its the betrayal of the body. One of the worst types of betrayals if you ask me."

"I was a little girl with big dreams. I bet you did not know that. I was simple but I had ambitions. I had simple ambitions. You wouldn't know today as to what that even means because you grew up around shimmering objects."

"Our wounds will heal with time. Or get replaced by new ones."

The Mistakes We Could Have Made

I've hurt you a lot.

I'm no angel here. 

You have as well, you know. 

I'm not the devil either.

One shouldn't care too much about anyone.

We tend to suffer too much, yes.

It can seriously hurt the ones we love. 

Different dialects of the same language.

Such a long journey.

And yet we only run into ourselves.

Its not as warm as it used to be.

Seasons change. People don't.

You're a loner.

I love the stories that begin and end at airports.

Yeah love stories.

No! Stories of love they are.

Hate is also a form of passion you know. 

But indifference is like death. 

I always say as to whats on my mind.

Somehow I only care about what you haven't said.

I never meant to hurt you. 

We were born to hurt each other.

The heart is a funny organ.

 I would know out of all the people.

Our wounds will heal with time.

Or get replaced by new ones.

No past love comes close to what we have.

No one has hurt me as much as you have.

Our pain is like a medal.

And we shall wear it with pride.

I will love you only if you let me. 

I'm good at building fences you know.

This is insane.

Imagination and reality are two different things.

Your metaphors will be the death of me.

I'm like that ripped book with the last few pages missing.

Why do we feel sadness the most? 

Because mediocrity is such a turn off.

I can spend hours in museums. What about you?

Auschwitz.

I like how you say my name.

Sometimes words are not enough.

My name is not just a word.

I wonder where people go when they die.

 I'm drowned in you. 

Indifference is my floating device.

I know you are hurt.

Four letter words. Sigh.

I wish I could be more perfect.

And I wish you were more flawed. Maybe then...

I've made a lot of mistakes.

We could have made more mistakes. Our own.

I don't know anything anymore. 

The first time you hurt someone is the only time you can.

As in?

You are my Grey area. You are my almost. You are beautiful. I'm not.

 I'm sorry.

No I'm.

Why so?

Because my presence made my absence more obvious.

 

Solitary Confinement

The human body is very much like a hospital. Any hospital. Some areas are extremely busy and some are more laid back. Seems like the body works in shifts as well. When its day time the heart rate is usually faster and all the Neurons and Nephrons are trying to get somewhere but at a faster speed & as compensation the speed goes down as the night rolls out. That's how a hospital is as well. You will see everyone running around like crazy during the day but will witness more empty hallways during the night because most people stay home. But the fact remains that like our bodies ...a hospital for sure slows down but never shuts down completely.

We all have to get to places during the day. Everyone is rushing to be somewhere. To catch a bus. To meet the love of their life. To get to that interview 15 minutes before so they can leave a good impression. To show up to work on time. We are all on a mission here. We all have to get to places because believe it or not we all have a story. And then the unexpected happens. To us. To people around us. We always think it will be someone we don't know but that's where life proves us wrong.

They bring  patients into the ER all the time. Really critical patients at times. Patients with heart failure or gun shots or Strokes or miscarriages or cardiac arrests or even car accidents. All kinds of people come here on a stretcher. If they are lucky they don't make it. And if they are not then they live through the trauma. What is a trip to the ER anyway for a terminally ill patient? Its like the team around him or her is trying to buy him some more time.That's all life is at the end of the day. You try to dodge death and buy sometime for that patient. Sewing wounds and putting them on blood thinners is just a way to work around it.

This path begins with a lot of people. There is a team working to fix the problem or rather control the problem. Once things are under control they sew the wound. They put a white bandage on it. And if the patient is lucky there is/are family/friends waiting on the other side. But recovery isn't an easy path. Injury is the easy part. You have a team working with/on you to fix whats wrong there. And when you wake up there are people who are there to spend time with you and take care of you. But then recovery is a very lonely path. Its a very personal and internal process and you're pretty much on your own.

Its like those empty hospital corridors at night. Lonely and scary. Your mind wanders into a lot of things while passing through there. Its unpredictable. Its dark and its very quiet in there. You get to listen to yourself for a change but sometimes you don't want to do that. The inner noise is much worse than the outer noise and recovery reminds you of that.

You learn to walk and talk again. You develop interpersonal skills all over again. You learn to be patient with yourself and with others. You learn to communicate differently and above all you learn to accept that people will now look at you differently.

You are a work in progress but a very different kind of a work. A very fragile and damaged one. This trauma is life long. The solitude. The path on which you walk alone...

Its the betrayal of the body. One of the worst types of betrayals if you ask me.

Everyone Dies A Little

I want to say a lot of things but I won't.

Please don't. I need you and you need me..

Life is not like the movies. 

But I like music. 

I often find myself thinking only about you. 

I wish I could feel what that's like. 

There is a strange smell all around tonight. 

Its worse in the city. Here its okay. 

You know our hearts are like cities as well. 

Deep oceans in my opinion.

Play me a song on the piano. Any song. 

Someone like you. 

No leave it. Its okay. 

I don't want you to "fix" anything. 

The inner turmoil will be the end of us. 

All good things must come to an end. 

I feel sorry for homeless people.

The heart is their home.

Tell me something about you that I don't know.

Just listen. 

I used to be a loner.

I used to have long hair.

I used to be a reader. 

I used to read between the lines. 

My favorite word was revolution. 

Melancholy.

I used to cry a lot. 

I used to laugh out loud. 

You're right..our hearts are like oceans. 

Continents of some sort. 

What do you expect from me? 

Hope. 

You know people around us..some of them will die one day. 

Everyone dies (a little). 

You know what I mean. 

It might rain tonight.

I bet they just called it food in China. 

Like Fries are just Fries to the French. 

I'm sorry.

Don't be. Everything ends. Like I said.

Did you ever love me? 

I love folding paper cranes. For good luck. The Japanese do it.

I'm not stupid. 

My limbs are aching. 

I love you.

I'm jaded. We're even.

I often imagine long walks on the beach. 

Are you done?

I  can break the locks in your mind.

I threw out the key. Sorry about that. 

This will kill you. 

I don't know any better. 

Break this Berlin wall please.

I have lived in Madrid all my life. I don't know Berlin.

Sigh. 

I know you differently in my dreams you know.

Its getting late. 

We were always like those unfortunate parallel lines.

I might leave this time.

You always come back. My heart has always been your home.

It hurts too much. 

And yet you'll attempt to fill those voids in my heart.

I'm yours.

I almost loved you too.

I said a lot today. 

Me too.

I won't say anymore.

                                                                                          Please don't. I need you and you need me.