Everyone Dies A Little

I want to say a lot of things but I won't.

Please don't. I need you and you need me..

Life is not like the movies. 

But I like music. 

I often find myself thinking only about you. 

I wish I could feel what that's like. 

There is a strange smell all around tonight. 

Its worse in the city. Here its okay. 

You know our hearts are like cities as well. 

Deep oceans in my opinion.

Play me a song on the piano. Any song. 

Someone like you. 

No leave it. Its okay. 

I don't want you to "fix" anything. 

The inner turmoil will be the end of us. 

All good things must come to an end. 

I feel sorry for homeless people.

The heart is their home.

Tell me something about you that I don't know.

Just listen. 

I used to be a loner.

I used to have long hair.

I used to be a reader. 

I used to read between the lines. 

My favorite word was revolution. 

Melancholy.

I used to cry a lot. 

I used to laugh out loud. 

You're right..our hearts are like oceans. 

Continents of some sort. 

What do you expect from me? 

Hope. 

You know people around us..some of them will die one day. 

Everyone dies (a little). 

You know what I mean. 

It might rain tonight.

I bet they just called it food in China. 

Like Fries are just Fries to the French. 

I'm sorry.

Don't be. Everything ends. Like I said.

Did you ever love me? 

I love folding paper cranes. For good luck. The Japanese do it.

I'm not stupid. 

My limbs are aching. 

I love you.

I'm jaded. We're even.

I often imagine long walks on the beach. 

Are you done?

I  can break the locks in your mind.

I threw out the key. Sorry about that. 

This will kill you. 

I don't know any better. 

Break this Berlin wall please.

I have lived in Madrid all my life. I don't know Berlin.

Sigh. 

I know you differently in my dreams you know.

Its getting late. 

We were always like those unfortunate parallel lines.

I might leave this time.

You always come back. My heart has always been your home.

It hurts too much. 

And yet you'll attempt to fill those voids in my heart.

I'm yours.

I almost loved you too.

I said a lot today. 

Me too.

I won't say anymore.

                                                                                          Please don't. I need you and you need me.

Tera Haath Thaam Kay

Its unfortunate. Life that is. Atleast certain moments are. And you just can not help it. That is why I call it unfortunate. The moments that are sad play on a loop. Its not fair to the good moments but sad moments take priority. Its the same with sad songs. Its unfortunate. But we already know that.

Like the one that unfolded today. They took turns in hurting each other. Then her life came to a complete stand still. He said something and her life stood still. Like in mourning. It was unfortunate. That's all that can be revealed here. 

Jaanay na jaanay log na jaanay...woh jaanay mera haal

But its okay. Whatever happened today made sense. He made her cry but he also lend his shoulder to cry on and in a twisted way that makes it okay. This time around she held his hand even tighter. He was only practicing his rights. That is all. 

Just before falling asleep they promised to keep hurting each other. Forever and ever. 

Its unfortunate but that is all there is to their story. 

Good night!

Tera haath thaam kay..lo hum bhi chal diye 

The Tale Of Two Cities

We lay in bed with our eyes locked in. The air is the same. We keep breathing but my breaths are heavier. It almost seems like they have been carrying a lot of burden on their shoulders. Your breathing however is much lighter. Its more carefree. Just like you perhaps. It doesn't mean much. I'm not here to analyze you anyway. I'm not that qualified after all.

Its not so much about the words. It doesn't matter what you say and how you say it. This is beyond just words. This is about your silence. And sometimes my silence but this is mostly about your silence. It slowly creeps up on me and settles into the dark moments of my life. It makes me not want to kill myself. It becomes my companion in those dark drawn out moments and all I can say is that I could not be more thankful.

You keep telling me that you know what loneliness is like. And I remain quiet because I hate to argue with you. The fact is that you have no idea what loneliness is like. But yes on occasions, during your school years, you have been alone in your dorm room. And yes I know how crappy that feels but my dear... there still remains a difference between being lonely and having alone moments. No matter how much the world around us continues to change, the meaning of these two words would never change. Its definite like an absolute refractory period. But for your sake I do wish it was a relative term & that too just for you.

I have told you so many times before... that you can never know how or what I feel about you. There is something very sacred about the pain love brings. It can only be idolized. And it can not be shared with anyone. So I'm not hiding my pain. I'm simply not sharing it. I know you are confused and its totally okay to feel that way. Its like Science. There is no such thing as "Cold". There is only absence of "Heat". Do you get it now?

But you can't help asking me as to why sometimes it starts to hurt so much? And even though I want to tell you I just can't gather the words and reveal myself to you entirely. Because you might start to think things that are not your concern to begin with. So that side of me shall stay miles away from your shadow. You should never find out as to how it all starts to unfold and how suddenly I become a different person. Someone you do not recognize simply because I will never let you recognize that stranger so full of hate and regrets. Someone who does not know how to love back.

The truth of the matter is that you remind me of my childhood. Simple and content. But the problem is that a lot has happened since then. I would tell you but I think I would scar you as well and I would never wanna do that to you.  The truth is that I don't think I would ever love you the way you love me. There was only one man. He hurt me and he hurt me a lot. And no its not about past mistakes. They are not even worth mentioning now. Its about just one man. But lets leave it at that.

So don't bother with me. Or else you might get lost in the thickness of my many layers. It will be harder for you to breathe and I can't watch you suffer.

So lets just lay here in our beds. You on your side of the world and I on this side. Let our silence speak to each other because our words have miserably failed. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. But let's just do it. Our hearts are like cities. Our minds...continents of some sort. Often expanding. With invisible boundaries. The ones I once drew to keep you out. You don't need a passport to get in. You just need indifference to stay out and never care. But I know that's too much to ask for. Sigh.

With silence being our new medium let the tales write themselves from now on.

On the shore of apathy I stood still
Tried hard to suppress the silent screams
Love tried to cross the lines once drawn
In the cave of misery, I locked myself in

Concrete Surrealism

Our limbs extend into long tree branches 

As you lay on me in this starry night 

Subtle breaths you breathe on my neck 

Perfumed body adding to my sheer delight

Dampen curls wrapped around my fingers

As I lay awake around that aura of you

Witnessing those ever lasting galaxies in sky

Caressing thy cheek dipped in that pink hue

Early days of love, our youths were tangled up

In unsettled blistering rides of high and low

To the Heaven of passion among other things

Leaving grounds of uncertainty so far below

The journey embarked upon in thy company 

Life's realism halted me from ever knowing 

A knight in shinning armor I ceased to be

Far from that magical world of stars glowing

Set it free this one time, let it fly out the window

That imaginary heart I once drew just in the air 

Hoping it would travel the world alone eternally

You then drew one too, we called it a pair

At last I wake up from this unfulfilled dream

Tasting that bitter sweetest life's essence

A life so scorching, it is not worth living 

Attesting to your surreal creation's evanescence

A Poem Of Despair

Greens are beginning to turn a little yellow

And leaves are slowly starting to surrender

The tulips must have been dead for days

Flowers all so gloomy, subtracted splendor 

It'll last forever, too hopeful don't you think

Rose petals all scattered like some work of art

And bees have too decided to layoff on visiting

The summer breeze preparing to now depart

Daisies settled on quitting their dance rituals

Those summer rains have now faded away

That traitor Rose bush is turning sombre

End of its life & for winter to be on its way

Soon for a while the streets will be soundless

And shortly we shall witness winter's epiphany

So before it begins to resemble the desolate wild

My heart once again shall play that sad symphony

Uncertainty lies in every corner of this locality

So my dear child, you got no reason to be blue

Just ahead of the soil moisture withers away

Assure this broken heart that we'll meet again too.

Memories that continue to prick like rose thorns 

Hence the unfulfilled wish of how I did not remember

That destiny hastily drew a line between you & I

On that ill-fated eleventh day of September

A Love Letter To Life

Like that legend people call Van Gogh I do not think life can be "Infinitely Vacant". But that's just me. I like to disagree with legends. But that's besides the point here. These are not the best of times. These are also not the worst of times. These are the times when the lapses of past sadness crawl into the skin and stay there. There is something so fulfilling about pain. A kind of fulfillment that joy could never provide. I know what you are thinking. Pessimism at its best. But it is not. But then you might argue that it is not exactly optimism either. And you are right. But then why does it have to be anything at all? Why do we crave labels? Why do most of us walk around with an authority to diagnose everyone else around us?

We are where we wanted to be in life. You may also call them choices. Destiny some might say? Well I don't know about that. We are here because we believed it was worth taking the risk. So we went through hell in getting ourselves here but somehow we made it to the mountain top or perhaps rock bottom. But we made it here nonetheless. Depending on the circumstances I would say go ahead and hate this life you have created for yourself. You can love it too if you want. Or it can be somewhere in between. But as long as you are not indifferent I do think that you will be okay. Indifference to me is like slow death. Indifference is like an Hyper Acute Infarction. It is not reversible. The damage is permanent.

And you know what else? That feeling of alienation is killing you inside. But that is okay. You will get through it. Look at the flip side of it. You can only feel alienated and secluded because you've belonged somewhere. You are lucky because you've called a place out there "home". Because there are plenty of us who have never belonged anywhere simply because we have never called a place "home". And no it has nothing to do with not being privileged. Its has nothing to do with our status in the society. Some of us are just simply unfortunate. And no we are not invisible. Just our pain is. 

Then people might ask you about how many times life has kicked you in the gut? And you might not be able to come up with a number. And that is also okay. But the ways to deal with that pain probably out numbers the times you have been hurt. Because I know a thing or two about life as well. It can not be that harsh to anyone. Then you might tell me that you were on top of that beautiful glass tower when life came crashing at you and suddenly you were hitting rock bottom. You were living all the cliches as in the bathroom floor and what not.

And to be really honest it will never go away. The pain. And that laughter sidelined by more pain. Also why should it all dissolve into nothingness? Its only fair that it stays and creeps up on you from time to time. You signed up for this life? So deal with the down side of things as well and it can not be that bad because I will tell you as to why. Today a child lost his mother. Today those parents buried their first born. Today they found another girl on the streets after she was raped. Today a father found out that his daughter will never wake up from that coma and today was the day you witnessed it all but you know what else? Today was also the day when none of that happened with you. It happened around you but did not happen to you.

Today was also the day when a plane did not crash into a tall building. It was the day when no drone attacks were reported. Today no earthquakes torn a town apart. Today also happens to be the day when he waits for you on the other side. You just have to meet him there and never let go of that hand. A hand he offered to you when life was way too unkind. So dear life I love you only because it is only fair. It is because you have loved me as well. Without any limitations. I thank you for everything that you've given me and the things you've taken away so far. Thank you because today indeed has been okay. 

Love,
Me

Silent Screams

In the darkest most haunted dungeon of her heart
Lies that dirty secret of damage and disgrace
Fragments of gloomy memories often unwind
Of nightmares lived through lucent summer days

The abyss of nothingness runs deep within
Bright past often appears blurry suddenly
That ugly darkness hogs from all four corners
And off she goes living that aching memory

Of silent tears the pillow witnessed on many nights
Those cold hands were painting a doleful picture
She would lay awake so exposed in that deep hurt
Tied in her pink skipping rope she'd then surrender

To that evil monster her mother failed to ever mention
In the bedtime stories she would tell every night
Ones of a sad princess in search of her prince charming
Or one with the Evil Queen & that gullible Snow White

The haze around the child got heavier by the night
Fonder memories got lost in the caves of her mind
In and out & out and in the monster's journey began
Thighs covered in blood while joy somewhere behind

Fourteen drawn-out dark nights of pain and capitulation
Swollen eyes, bleeding lips, dreams entirely shattered
A puppet she was, dancing to the tunes of her master
With a smile forever broken and hopes so scattered

Soon the monster moved on to steal new innocence
Helpless she remained scarred for timeless existence
The smell of that devil soon got engraved in her mind
And off that innocent soul went living under a pretense

Nightmares would haunt as she would fall asleep
Monster quickly moved into her shadow so sorrowful
Picking up the pile of broken dreams one at a time
Unable to share, her story not so believable

The abuser never returned but walks around freely
Past often visits in glimpses of fear left unspoken
A memory that refuses to fade away completely
Tormented and hurting she is a child so broken

*Sixteen long years it took to finally write this.