The Year 2012

"So you must know that even though you took a road less traveled...In broken, tangled, decaying pieces, I almost did love you as well."

"But how do you console someone who has never known what peace is? How do you explain calm to the restless? And how do you explain sweet dreams to the insomniacs."

"Because in the hollows of uncertainty it was our spirits that were finally at peace post finding each other. And now... life's unfolding at its own pace as I watch you sleep tonight while remembering that for sure today has been okay but here's kissing you good night with a promise that tomorrow will be better."

"And that's whats so tragic about the pain love brings. It can never be shared. You'll never know what went underneath the periphery. You'll only hear of good times. You'll only see the smile you're smitten over. The tears..well I shall keep them to myself only."

"The sky was supposed to come crashing down on all of us. Its an unwritten rule of life. Its a fact so you and I should go ahead and embrace it with open arms. What I feel today wouldn't have felt as great perhaps ten years ago. Had I not gone through the pains and aches, I don't think I would have been afraid of losing you."

"You can't do much when the spirit gets badly bruised...For it is as fragile as the sandcastles we all once built."

"That's how the heart stopped beating. That heart with all the unwritten stories of yester years. The ones of aching love and unfulfilled dreams."

"Her fate was written the day she was named Ophelia."

"Today was also the day when a plane did not crash into a tall building. It was the day when no drone attacks were reported. Today no earthquakes torn a town apart."

"So for one last time. Let's meet in Madrid. Or was it Barcelona? Somewhere in Spain. Before death comes in a haste. But never mind you. There's always love. And they say it is forever."

"And as both of us know that there is no place like home. Even if there's a rip on that couch and a big dark stain on the living room carpet but nevermind all that because home will always be home. They often try to give those suites in those five star hotels the same look but there is a reason celebrities are found dead in expensive hotel suites and not in their homes. There is a reason for that, my love."

"So that is the reason as to why I hate you. But that's mainly because I never stopped loving you. Its complicated. Its like DNA. Its intertwined. You won't understand."

"The abyss of nothingness runs deep within..Bright past often appears blurry suddenly...That ugly darkness hogs from all four corners..And off she goes living that aching memory."

"Then people might ask you about how many times life has kicked you in the gut? And you might not be able to come up with a number. And that is also okay. But the ways to deal with that pain probably out numbers the times you have been hurt. Because I know a thing or two about life as well. It can not be that harsh to anyone."

"Uncertainty lies in every corner of this locality...So my dear child, you got no reason to be blue...Just ahead of the soil moisture withers away..Assure this broken heart that we'll meet again too."

"Set it free this one time, let it fly out the window...That imaginary heart I once drew just in the air..Hoping it would travel the world alone eternally..You then drew one too, we called it a pair."

"Our hearts are like cities. Our minds...continents of some sort. Often expanding. With invisible boundaries. The ones I once drew to keep you out. You don't need a passport to get in. You just need indifference to stay out and never care. But I know that's too much to ask for."

"Just before falling asleep they promised to keep hurting each other. Forever and ever. 

Its unfortunate but that is all there is to their story."

"You know people around us..some of them will die one day. 

Everyone dies (a little)."

"You learn to communicate differently and above all you learn to accept that people will now look at you differently. You are a work in progress but a very different kind of a work. A very fragile and damaged one. This trauma is life long. The solitude. The path on which you walk alone...Its the betrayal of the body. One of the worst types of betrayals if you ask me."

"I was a little girl with big dreams. I bet you did not know that. I was simple but I had ambitions. I had simple ambitions. You wouldn't know today as to what that even means because you grew up around shimmering objects."

"Our wounds will heal with time. Or get replaced by new ones."

The Mistakes We Could Have Made

I've hurt you a lot.

I'm no angel here. 

You have as well, you know. 

I'm not the devil either.

One shouldn't care too much about anyone.

We tend to suffer too much, yes.

It can seriously hurt the ones we love. 

Different dialects of the same language.

Such a long journey.

And yet we only run into ourselves.

Its not as warm as it used to be.

Seasons change. People don't.

You're a loner.

I love the stories that begin and end at airports.

Yeah love stories.

No! Stories of love they are.

Hate is also a form of passion you know. 

But indifference is like death. 

I always say as to whats on my mind.

Somehow I only care about what you haven't said.

I never meant to hurt you. 

We were born to hurt each other.

The heart is a funny organ.

 I would know out of all the people.

Our wounds will heal with time.

Or get replaced by new ones.

No past love comes close to what we have.

No one has hurt me as much as you have.

Our pain is like a medal.

And we shall wear it with pride.

I will love you only if you let me. 

I'm good at building fences you know.

This is insane.

Imagination and reality are two different things.

Your metaphors will be the death of me.

I'm like that ripped book with the last few pages missing.

Why do we feel sadness the most? 

Because mediocrity is such a turn off.

I can spend hours in museums. What about you?

Auschwitz.

I like how you say my name.

Sometimes words are not enough.

My name is not just a word.

I wonder where people go when they die.

 I'm drowned in you. 

Indifference is my floating device.

I know you are hurt.

Four letter words. Sigh.

I wish I could be more perfect.

And I wish you were more flawed. Maybe then...

I've made a lot of mistakes.

We could have made more mistakes. Our own.

I don't know anything anymore. 

The first time you hurt someone is the only time you can.

As in?

You are my Grey area. You are my almost. You are beautiful. I'm not.

 I'm sorry.

No I'm.

Why so?

Because my presence made my absence more obvious.

 

Solitary Confinement

The human body is very much like a hospital. Any hospital. Some areas are extremely busy and some are more laid back. Seems like the body works in shifts as well. When its day time the heart rate is usually faster and all the Neurons and Nephrons are trying to get somewhere but at a faster speed & as compensation the speed goes down as the night rolls out. That's how a hospital is as well. You will see everyone running around like crazy during the day but will witness more empty hallways during the night because most people stay home. But the fact remains that like our bodies ...a hospital for sure slows down but never shuts down completely.

We all have to get to places during the day. Everyone is rushing to be somewhere. To catch a bus. To meet the love of their life. To get to that interview 15 minutes before so they can leave a good impression. To show up to work on time. We are all on a mission here. We all have to get to places because believe it or not we all have a story. And then the unexpected happens. To us. To people around us. We always think it will be someone we don't know but that's where life proves us wrong.

They bring  patients into the ER all the time. Really critical patients at times. Patients with heart failure or gun shots or Strokes or miscarriages or cardiac arrests or even car accidents. All kinds of people come here on a stretcher. If they are lucky they don't make it. And if they are not then they live through the trauma. What is a trip to the ER anyway for a terminally ill patient? Its like the team around him or her is trying to buy him some more time.That's all life is at the end of the day. You try to dodge death and buy sometime for that patient. Sewing wounds and putting them on blood thinners is just a way to work around it.

This path begins with a lot of people. There is a team working to fix the problem or rather control the problem. Once things are under control they sew the wound. They put a white bandage on it. And if the patient is lucky there is/are family/friends waiting on the other side. But recovery isn't an easy path. Injury is the easy part. You have a team working with/on you to fix whats wrong there. And when you wake up there are people who are there to spend time with you and take care of you. But then recovery is a very lonely path. Its a very personal and internal process and you're pretty much on your own.

Its like those empty hospital corridors at night. Lonely and scary. Your mind wanders into a lot of things while passing through there. Its unpredictable. Its dark and its very quiet in there. You get to listen to yourself for a change but sometimes you don't want to do that. The inner noise is much worse than the outer noise and recovery reminds you of that.

You learn to walk and talk again. You develop interpersonal skills all over again. You learn to be patient with yourself and with others. You learn to communicate differently and above all you learn to accept that people will now look at you differently.

You are a work in progress but a very different kind of a work. A very fragile and damaged one. This trauma is life long. The solitude. The path on which you walk alone...

Its the betrayal of the body. One of the worst types of betrayals if you ask me.

Everyone Dies A Little

I want to say a lot of things but I won't.

Please don't. I need you and you need me..

Life is not like the movies. 

But I like music. 

I often find myself thinking only about you. 

I wish I could feel what that's like. 

There is a strange smell all around tonight. 

Its worse in the city. Here its okay. 

You know our hearts are like cities as well. 

Deep oceans in my opinion.

Play me a song on the piano. Any song. 

Someone like you. 

No leave it. Its okay. 

I don't want you to "fix" anything. 

The inner turmoil will be the end of us. 

All good things must come to an end. 

I feel sorry for homeless people.

The heart is their home.

Tell me something about you that I don't know.

Just listen. 

I used to be a loner.

I used to have long hair.

I used to be a reader. 

I used to read between the lines. 

My favorite word was revolution. 

Melancholy.

I used to cry a lot. 

I used to laugh out loud. 

You're right..our hearts are like oceans. 

Continents of some sort. 

What do you expect from me? 

Hope. 

You know people around us..some of them will die one day. 

Everyone dies (a little). 

You know what I mean. 

It might rain tonight.

I bet they just called it food in China. 

Like Fries are just Fries to the French. 

I'm sorry.

Don't be. Everything ends. Like I said.

Did you ever love me? 

I love folding paper cranes. For good luck. The Japanese do it.

I'm not stupid. 

My limbs are aching. 

I love you.

I'm jaded. We're even.

I often imagine long walks on the beach. 

Are you done?

I  can break the locks in your mind.

I threw out the key. Sorry about that. 

This will kill you. 

I don't know any better. 

Break this Berlin wall please.

I have lived in Madrid all my life. I don't know Berlin.

Sigh. 

I know you differently in my dreams you know.

Its getting late. 

We were always like those unfortunate parallel lines.

I might leave this time.

You always come back. My heart has always been your home.

It hurts too much. 

And yet you'll attempt to fill those voids in my heart.

I'm yours.

I almost loved you too.

I said a lot today. 

Me too.

I won't say anymore.

                                                                                          Please don't. I need you and you need me.

Tera Haath Thaam Kay

Its unfortunate. Life that is. Atleast certain moments are. And you just can not help it. That is why I call it unfortunate. The moments that are sad play on a loop. Its not fair to the good moments but sad moments take priority. Its the same with sad songs. Its unfortunate. But we already know that.

Like the one that unfolded today. They took turns in hurting each other. Then her life came to a complete stand still. He said something and her life stood still. Like in mourning. It was unfortunate. That's all that can be revealed here. 

Jaanay na jaanay log na jaanay...woh jaanay mera haal

But its okay. Whatever happened today made sense. He made her cry but he also lend his shoulder to cry on and in a twisted way that makes it okay. This time around she held his hand even tighter. He was only practicing his rights. That is all. 

Just before falling asleep they promised to keep hurting each other. Forever and ever. 

Its unfortunate but that is all there is to their story. 

Good night!

Tera haath thaam kay..lo hum bhi chal diye 

The Tale Of Two Cities

We lay in bed with our eyes locked in. The air is the same. We keep breathing but my breaths are heavier. It almost seems like they have been carrying a lot of burden on their shoulders. Your breathing however is much lighter. Its more carefree. Just like you perhaps. It doesn't mean much. I'm not here to analyze you anyway. I'm not that qualified after all.

Its not so much about the words. It doesn't matter what you say and how you say it. This is beyond just words. This is about your silence. And sometimes my silence but this is mostly about your silence. It slowly creeps up on me and settles into the dark moments of my life. It makes me not want to kill myself. It becomes my companion in those dark drawn out moments and all I can say is that I could not be more thankful.

You keep telling me that you know what loneliness is like. And I remain quiet because I hate to argue with you. The fact is that you have no idea what loneliness is like. But yes on occasions, during your school years, you have been alone in your dorm room. And yes I know how crappy that feels but my dear... there still remains a difference between being lonely and having alone moments. No matter how much the world around us continues to change, the meaning of these two words would never change. Its definite like an absolute refractory period. But for your sake I do wish it was a relative term & that too just for you.

I have told you so many times before... that you can never know how or what I feel about you. There is something very sacred about the pain love brings. It can only be idolized. And it can not be shared with anyone. So I'm not hiding my pain. I'm simply not sharing it. I know you are confused and its totally okay to feel that way. Its like Science. There is no such thing as "Cold". There is only absence of "Heat". Do you get it now?

But you can't help asking me as to why sometimes it starts to hurt so much? And even though I want to tell you I just can't gather the words and reveal myself to you entirely. Because you might start to think things that are not your concern to begin with. So that side of me shall stay miles away from your shadow. You should never find out as to how it all starts to unfold and how suddenly I become a different person. Someone you do not recognize simply because I will never let you recognize that stranger so full of hate and regrets. Someone who does not know how to love back.

The truth of the matter is that you remind me of my childhood. Simple and content. But the problem is that a lot has happened since then. I would tell you but I think I would scar you as well and I would never wanna do that to you.  The truth is that I don't think I would ever love you the way you love me. There was only one man. He hurt me and he hurt me a lot. And no its not about past mistakes. They are not even worth mentioning now. Its about just one man. But lets leave it at that.

So don't bother with me. Or else you might get lost in the thickness of my many layers. It will be harder for you to breathe and I can't watch you suffer.

So lets just lay here in our beds. You on your side of the world and I on this side. Let our silence speak to each other because our words have miserably failed. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. But let's just do it. Our hearts are like cities. Our minds...continents of some sort. Often expanding. With invisible boundaries. The ones I once drew to keep you out. You don't need a passport to get in. You just need indifference to stay out and never care. But I know that's too much to ask for. Sigh.

With silence being our new medium let the tales write themselves from now on.

On the shore of apathy I stood still
Tried hard to suppress the silent screams
Love tried to cross the lines once drawn
In the cave of misery, I locked myself in

Concrete Surrealism

Our limbs extend into long tree branches 

As you lay on me in this starry night 

Subtle breaths you breathe on my neck 

Perfumed body adding to my sheer delight

Dampen curls wrapped around my fingers

As I lay awake around that aura of you

Witnessing those ever lasting galaxies in sky

Caressing thy cheek dipped in that pink hue

Early days of love, our youths were tangled up

In unsettled blistering rides of high and low

To the Heaven of passion among other things

Leaving grounds of uncertainty so far below

The journey embarked upon in thy company 

Life's realism halted me from ever knowing 

A knight in shinning armor I ceased to be

Far from that magical world of stars glowing

Set it free this one time, let it fly out the window

That imaginary heart I once drew just in the air 

Hoping it would travel the world alone eternally

You then drew one too, we called it a pair

At last I wake up from this unfulfilled dream

Tasting that bitter sweetest life's essence

A life so scorching, it is not worth living 

Attesting to your surreal creation's evanescence

A Poem Of Despair

Greens are beginning to turn a little yellow

And leaves are slowly starting to surrender

The tulips must have been dead for days

Flowers all so gloomy, subtracted splendor 

It'll last forever, too hopeful don't you think

Rose petals all scattered like some work of art

And bees have too decided to layoff on visiting

The summer breeze preparing to now depart

Daisies settled on quitting their dance rituals

Those summer rains have now faded away

That traitor Rose bush is turning sombre

End of its life & for winter to be on its way

Soon for a while the streets will be soundless

And shortly we shall witness winter's epiphany

So before it begins to resemble the desolate wild

My heart once again shall play that sad symphony

Uncertainty lies in every corner of this locality

So my dear child, you got no reason to be blue

Just ahead of the soil moisture withers away

Assure this broken heart that we'll meet again too.

Memories that continue to prick like rose thorns 

Hence the unfulfilled wish of how I did not remember

That destiny hastily drew a line between you & I

On that ill-fated eleventh day of September

A Love Letter To Life

Like that legend people call Van Gogh I do not think life can be "Infinitely Vacant". But that's just me. I like to disagree with legends. But that's besides the point here. These are not the best of times. These are also not the worst of times. These are the times when the lapses of past sadness crawl into the skin and stay there. There is something so fulfilling about pain. A kind of fulfillment that joy could never provide. I know what you are thinking. Pessimism at its best. But it is not. But then you might argue that it is not exactly optimism either. And you are right. But then why does it have to be anything at all? Why do we crave labels? Why do most of us walk around with an authority to diagnose everyone else around us?

We are where we wanted to be in life. You may also call them choices. Destiny some might say? Well I don't know about that. We are here because we believed it was worth taking the risk. So we went through hell in getting ourselves here but somehow we made it to the mountain top or perhaps rock bottom. But we made it here nonetheless. Depending on the circumstances I would say go ahead and hate this life you have created for yourself. You can love it too if you want. Or it can be somewhere in between. But as long as you are not indifferent I do think that you will be okay. Indifference to me is like slow death. Indifference is like an Hyper Acute Infarction. It is not reversible. The damage is permanent.

And you know what else? That feeling of alienation is killing you inside. But that is okay. You will get through it. Look at the flip side of it. You can only feel alienated and secluded because you've belonged somewhere. You are lucky because you've called a place out there "home". Because there are plenty of us who have never belonged anywhere simply because we have never called a place "home". And no it has nothing to do with not being privileged. Its has nothing to do with our status in the society. Some of us are just simply unfortunate. And no we are not invisible. Just our pain is. 

Then people might ask you about how many times life has kicked you in the gut? And you might not be able to come up with a number. And that is also okay. But the ways to deal with that pain probably out numbers the times you have been hurt. Because I know a thing or two about life as well. It can not be that harsh to anyone. Then you might tell me that you were on top of that beautiful glass tower when life came crashing at you and suddenly you were hitting rock bottom. You were living all the cliches as in the bathroom floor and what not.

And to be really honest it will never go away. The pain. And that laughter sidelined by more pain. Also why should it all dissolve into nothingness? Its only fair that it stays and creeps up on you from time to time. You signed up for this life? So deal with the down side of things as well and it can not be that bad because I will tell you as to why. Today a child lost his mother. Today those parents buried their first born. Today they found another girl on the streets after she was raped. Today a father found out that his daughter will never wake up from that coma and today was the day you witnessed it all but you know what else? Today was also the day when none of that happened with you. It happened around you but did not happen to you.

Today was also the day when a plane did not crash into a tall building. It was the day when no drone attacks were reported. Today no earthquakes torn a town apart. Today also happens to be the day when he waits for you on the other side. You just have to meet him there and never let go of that hand. A hand he offered to you when life was way too unkind. So dear life I love you only because it is only fair. It is because you have loved me as well. Without any limitations. I thank you for everything that you've given me and the things you've taken away so far. Thank you because today indeed has been okay. 

Love,
Me

Silent Screams

In the darkest most haunted dungeon of her heart
Lies that dirty secret of damage and disgrace
Fragments of gloomy memories often unwind
Of nightmares lived through lucent summer days

The abyss of nothingness runs deep within
Bright past often appears blurry suddenly
That ugly darkness hogs from all four corners
And off she goes living that aching memory

Of silent tears the pillow witnessed on many nights
Those cold hands were painting a doleful picture
She would lay awake so exposed in that deep hurt
Tied in her pink skipping rope she'd then surrender

To that evil monster her mother failed to ever mention
In the bedtime stories she would tell every night
Ones of a sad princess in search of her prince charming
Or one with the Evil Queen & that gullible Snow White

The haze around the child got heavier by the night
Fonder memories got lost in the caves of her mind
In and out & out and in the monster's journey began
Thighs covered in blood while joy somewhere behind

Fourteen drawn-out dark nights of pain and capitulation
Swollen eyes, bleeding lips, dreams entirely shattered
A puppet she was, dancing to the tunes of her master
With a smile forever broken and hopes so scattered

Soon the monster moved on to steal new innocence
Helpless she remained scarred for timeless existence
The smell of that devil soon got engraved in her mind
And off that innocent soul went living under a pretense

Nightmares would haunt as she would fall asleep
Monster quickly moved into her shadow so sorrowful
Picking up the pile of broken dreams one at a time
Unable to share, her story not so believable

The abuser never returned but walks around freely
Past often visits in glimpses of fear left unspoken
A memory that refuses to fade away completely
Tormented and hurting she is a child so broken

*Sixteen long years it took to finally write this.

And I Wonder If I Ever Cross Your Mind

We were in the wrong place at the right time. At least we got something right for a change. Everything around us was wrong and that was because everything in us was at fault. Maybe it was our genetic make-up. Maybe it hit us like a mutation gone so wrong. After all not all mutations are harmful. I would know. They think I'm a scientist so I guess I would know.

The past wreckage came with what was unfolding in our present. We couldn't avoid it so we just welcomed it. Your love was going to be my safety net. That's what you had promised me. Silly me, I believed you with my eyes closed. And I wasn't any less pathetic. I promised you the world when I was burning in the hell of my own desires. How could I have promised you all that? It was unfair on my part. I'm sorry for that by the way.

The mind is set free from your memories. All of them. Except for just one. The one where I see us watching "500 Days Of Summer" in a loop. Come to think of it I don't need to remember anything else. It seems to me that I lived a lifetime with you when ever we sat down to watch that movie. You had a serious crush on Zoey Deschanel and I could never understand as to why. For most people their go to movie was "The Note Book" but we were different. We were above and beyond most people.

And that was our problem. We were different from most people but before that we were too different from each other. We were on different pages. Pages of two different books. But life had placed us side by side and we were trying to give it a try. Then somehow we stopped trying. We became lazy.

And now years have passed. You are nothing but a lingering memory. A memory that creeps up on me from time to time. A memory that often makes me cringe for some reason. I regret even meeting you. I love to hate you. But its all because I've never been able to love anyone so dearly as I loved you. I will never be able to. Its just not possible anymore. You brought me here and then you stopped trying and I haven't been able to love anyone since then.

So that is the reason as to why I hate you. But that's mainly because I never stopped loving you.

Its complicated. Its like DNA. Its intertwined. You won't understand. Just so you know.. like that Lady Antebellum song...

I'm All Alone & I Need You Now.

Off I Go

Let's all raise our glass to this thing called life. Let's all get together and call this change inevitable. Yes just like us our words have also become so cliched. We repeat after the world. We look the same and we say the same things. But I do remember a time when it wasn't like that. I remember when I used to be different. I wonder where I went wrong?  And no I won't blame you for what I've done to myself. I'm sorry if you ever felt that the world was putting you on the spot because of me. I'm really sorry for that.

I must confess that I was on the verge of a breakdown. Come to think of it..aren't we all? But then you came along and my breakdown did not happen. The wounds were fresh and like a clumsy first year medical student I just sewed em all up. I thought they would dissolve and I would never see them again. But I was wrong. So damn wrong.

Though I must give you the due credit here. You saved me from my break down. You saved me big time. But there was no one there to save me from you. Yes, its a vicious cycle. We walk around in loops here on Earth. Thats the flaw with the entire human race. We end up coming back to that familiar place again and again. The one that cost us everything. I'll say cost because thats the kind of terminology the world understands now. That ugly place simply hurts like no tomorrow. But we come back to it not because we crave the pain. We are not that submissive. We come back because its a familiar place. Its like home.

And as both of us know that there is no place like home. Even if there's a rip on that couch and a big dark stain on the living room carpet but nevermind all that because home will always be home. They often try to give those suites in those five star hotels the same look but there is a reason celebrities are found dead in expensive hotel suites and not in their homes. There is a reason for that, my love.

But you simply do not get all that. You are practical. Way more practical than I will ever be. So let's just part ways. You are sane and I'm the one with the emotional imbalance. People might have thought that you were the abuser and I was a victim here but thats not the case. Its not so black and white. We are all victims of something here and all of us have abused someone atleast once. No one has a clean slate.

And on that note you must return to your world of ripped couches. Look between them because you might find my memories there. You know I was once that little girl with big dreams. So look for my memories there. You'll find plenty. However I must return to my hotel suite. The one with stainless carpets and expensive furniture.

Its a disease and you don't deserve this in life. You are worth way more. But like a disease I will stay in you. You'll think of me every single day and when you'll wake up tomorrow, it will be diffucult to get out of bed. But then days will turn into weeks and it will hurt a lot less. Believe me. I've been there. And since we have a love/hate relationship with cliches, lets end this where I started from. So you can walk around in loops instead of searching for closure because I simply can't hand it over to you. Thats just something you'll find on your own someday...when life is kind to you.

So let's all raise our glass to this thing called life. And let's all get together and call this change inevitable...

On that note good bye it is,
My dearest.

I Wasn't Born To Lose You

My desk is filled with books. And notes. Endless Cardiology notes. Notes on Arrhythmias and Cardiovascular birth defects. Then there are notes on Abnormal Psychology and case studies of Agoraphobia. Underneath those is a copy of Anna Karenina. I started reading it again. It made me happy. It reminded me of simpler times. Don't ask. Its hard to explain.

In the midst of all the aforementioned books and notes there lies a subtle reminder of an unfulfilled dream. A dream I've been thinking about a lot lately. Its not like life is going down hill. In fact I've never known a better face of life until now. There is not just one specific aspect responsible for it. And no there is no particular person involved either. Its a combination of everything. The stars seem to be aligning (Knock on wood) just fine. They had to align one day. After all my happiness was due sooner or later.

Its been some strange 12 months. The ones of fewer words and many thoughts. The ones of more laughter than pain. Like I said its been strange. I never knew life like that. But yes pain is there as well. It walks with me as a constant reminder of how bad things were at times. Like that Bob Dylan song I thought "I wasn't born to lose you" but I was so wrong. I was born to lose it all. Perhaps start from scratch all over again. But then losing it all over again might kill me. So Dear God don't do it this time around. I beg of you. I'm not that strong.

Let's not complicate things. Let's keep them simple this time. I wanted something and I didn't get it. People who were supposed to be responsible for bringing me one step closer to my happiness slept peacefully while I stayed awake and wept till the dawn broke. I never did anyone any wrong. I swear. I tried my very best to be good. There were times when I suffered myself but I protected the ones I cared for. But in the midst of making those sacrifices my dreams were badly burnt. And they got so badly burnt that they couldn't be traced back. Just subtle reminders remained hidden under the souvenirs from the recent past.

Its not just about unfulfilled dreams, its about the almost broken ties with loved ones. Its about grudges I pretend not to have. But who am I kidding? We all have grudges and we all can count our regrets on our finger tips perhaps except for the ones who don't have hands or the ones who do not know how to count. But nevertheless we have them and we should just live with that.

It hurts a lot less since recently. I think its just a void now. Nothing will fill it so I have stopped trying altogether. That's what happens when you lean on your dreams. I thought I'd never make it. People around me do not understand the pain I went through. Sometimes I wish they did. Perhaps if it was death or a break-up, I would have scored more sympathy that way. Maybe if I let a thousand years go by then I might recover from it. I don't know. We'll see. I'll explain more later. I promise.

Time went by and I had to paint new dreams. I was given a canvas and I just had to pick the colors and go for it. So I did. Different dream. A whole different aspect. You see the heart has three natural pacemakers. When one stops, the second takes over right away. Its slower than the first one but it works just fine. So why couldn't I give my dreams a second chance?

Whats the worst that could happen? Death? Well so be it. Life is the one that's short. That's the side of the coin that has an expiry date on it. Death...well death is forever.

Or maybe its not. Perhaps it also ends somewhere.

And then there's love.

And that's whats so tragic about the pain love brings. It can never be shared. You'll never know what went underneath the periphery. You'll only hear of good times. You'll only see the smile you're smitten over. The tears..well I shall keep them to myself only.

So for one last time. Let's meet in Madrid. Or was it Barcelona? Somewhere in Spain. Before death comes in a haste. But never mind you. There's always love. And they say it is forever.

Good Night!

And Love Is Not A Victory March

Her fate was written the day she was named Ophelia.

The parting dialogue had always been difficult. The grief was just too unbearable at times. He liked to play with fire and she become the burnt victim of it every single time. But here’s the thing, when she found him it was more like as if she had found herself. And at times when it felt like he was drifting away, she thought she was too… from herself. 

In the midst of all the lying faces and betraying voices, she had found him. That’s how she knew him anyway. The voice and the face and that’s it. Had no idea as to how his skin felt like. She was absolutely clueless about his scent. Maybe she was unfortunate in a lot more ways than she had presumed. Why was he among all the ugly souls? She would wonder why since there was not even a hint of impurity in him. So she thought.

She fell in love with him while he was still trying to figure things out. He was too busy with those ugly souls. He called them friends. He let his guard down and called them friends. She fell in love with his grace. She knew she was non-existent in that sparkly world of his. It was glittery. Very much so and she was like a dull shooting star that was passing by so didn’t expect him to notice her anyway. Acceptance of circumstances became the only option. Sigh.

Oblivious to her simple world there he was among all the shiny objects with nothing but hollowness filled in them. So her association with words began. Letters to be specific. They were written in her mind and she had sworn that they'd never leave that sacred space. She wrote him letters of love, sorrow, triumphs, tragedy, loss and hope above all.

And then things changed. The pain became almost too much to bear. You see when you ache that much in love; it can actually become a life threatening disease. But how do you explain what love is to a cactus. Horrible analogy, I admit but yes he was like a cactus. Surviving under harsh times in unlikely situations while being oblivious to the pain of others. Also because anyone who tried to come close got hurt. At times really badly.

Time went by and she became a withering autumn leaf. Suffered a lot. And he went on and added one more lie to his life. People discussed the ring for months and he couldn’t stop smiling from ear to ear. I wonder if that smile had broken into two halves had people not talked as much about yet another shiny object from his life? But that’s simply not the concern here. He married a lie perhaps because he was an illusion himself as well. And then whatever unfolded after was inevitable.

In this city so full of lights and sparkly objects quiet like himself, she had to succumb to her disease. The outer story is that she was found drowned in a bath tub but let’s not dig up the inner story because believe me when I say this...she had drowned and succumbed to her injuries a long time ago. But couldn't prove anything because it never showed in her blood test results so she decided to drown in her own sorrow.  

In that spiritless cold body was a heart that had just stopped beating. They couldn't revive it. They tried but they had to pronounce the time of death. That's how the heart stopped beating. That heart with all the unwritten stories of yester years. The ones of aching love and unfulfilled dreams.

And next to that cold lifeless body was the ring.

And walking away from it all…there he was.  

The widower. The cactus.

The Musician Marilyn

In that old bar by the street corner in my town
She sang sad love songs with that heart so broken
Do you not remember those light blue eyes?
With gestures of love in them resided unspoken

Try and just remember my sweetest Marilyn
And how she belted out tunes so spell-bound
Held on to the despair somewhere deep within
In over flowing sorrows forever remained drowned

They say she suffered from that broken heart syndrome
Those hands did not stop shaking since the day he left
She became uncomfortably numb ever since then
Sang songs of despair in that black mourning dress

Quickly all the triumphs turned into doleful tragedies
And the surrounding air just got heavier by the day
Rage within subsiding somewhere on the periphery
While witnessing quietly her heart's destined dismay

You can't do much when the spirit gets badly bruised
For it is as fragile as the sandcastles we all once built
Sweet girl, angel you and your pursuit for happiness
Left you nothing but deserted with dreams unfulfilled

They swept her memories away with that dusty old broom
Complete standstill it was, my darling angel had fallen
The sky mourned as I laid a dozen red roses on her grave
Music grieved as she was laid to rest, my blue eyed Marilyn

In The Hollows Of Uncertainty

In the quicksands of time I was dissolving. No it wasn't a nightmare. It was reality at its worst. There was this desperation to escape it. Ran so fast that it felt like the heart was beating outside of my body. Adrenaline rush it was. Can't say if it was the good kind or the bad. I was gasping for breaths. It was like pleading rather begging to live while this dark cloud was closing in from all around. Like I explained to you, trying to escape it became the only option. And then I soon found myself locked in the midst of some four walls. So escaping wasn't a possibility anymore. And I almost gave in.

It was dark. Visibility was minimal. But what did I know so fighting back became my only option except didn't know as to who was the opponent here? Had no idea as to how strong that force was? But fighting back was the alternative selection here. And It was just us. That dark cloud and myself. My breaths became limited. Though I must admit that nothing was depriving me of my deserved breaths. My concentration was diverted towards winning this battle. It was even a struggle to breathe at that point. If anything, isolation from it all was my own choice. Because giving in would have been the wiser option but silly me had other preferences.

And then came the climax of it all. It got even darker. I entered the abyss. That feeling of bleakness persisted. Letting go and embracing defeat was the only option left now. Had I known that the memoirs once written in my mind would unfold like this, I would have just prayed for something else. Perhaps the same story with the same climax but fast forwarded until this part. And let me tell you as to what happened next. The very abyss became my bliss.

Life turned into an absolute irony and it became impossible to prison the very thing that eventually ended up captivating me instead. What did I know at that moment? How long was this going to be for? Well had I known that it would imprison me for eternity, I swear to you my darling, I swear...
I would have given in much earlier.

Because in the hollows of uncertainty it was our spirits who were finally at peace post finding each other. And now... life's unfolding at its own pace as I watch you sleep tonight while remembering that for sure today has been okay but here's kissing you good night with a promise that tomorrow will be better.

Sweet dreams. :)

Le Misérable

And somehow it all comes down to a few moments we have with each other. The clock keeps ticking and we have to live out those few moments to the core. Just so we can go to bed with the memory of that moment. Just so that memory can linger around us, in us and out of us. And you know what happens if the memory accidentally fades? The mornings turn blue, the afternoons gray and the night turns black. Not the kinda black you and I admire so much. Its a different one. The one that absorbs all of our Oxygen and we gasp for breath. The one where we can't seem to find each other and we get lost in the abyss of uncertainty. Its not a good feeling. I certainly know it. And I know that you know as well. You see there's absolute chaos out there in the world. Then there's that uncontrolled madness in me. But it all reaches its equilibrium when you are there. Holding me. Letting me know that it will be alright. But how do you console someone who has never known what peace is? How do you explain calm to the restless? And how do you explain sweet dreams to the insomniacs?

Don't blame me. Blame this world. Blame life in general. Because it made me the way I'm. It made me so bitter and so angry and so doubtful that I don't know anything for sure anymore. But you know what? It was meant to be this way.  We were all supposed to get hurt at first. The sky was supposed to come crashing down on all of us. Its an unwritten rule of life. Its a fact so you and I should go ahead and embrace it with open arms. What I feel today wouldn't have felt as great perhaps ten years ago. Had I not gone through the pains and aches, I don't think I would have been afraid of losing you. The fact that I have started to feel the fear is a positive thing. I have another confession. I think I'm scared of dying. I don't want to die. I know death does not end a relationship and yet I'm scared of dying. But I have an ill heart, I know. And it might kill me sooner than later. The reasons for its illness are many but above all its ill because its been aching since a while now.

And no do not count the number of days its been aching for. You will lose count and you will certainly get frustrated. With me. With yourself. And mostly with my aching heart. But I will tell you as to why it aches. It aches because its been miserable since a very long time now. And its mainly because it realizes that what it feels for you is bigger than anything it has ever felt before. Ok perhaps not as big as the galaxies out there but its far beyond than just a word.

Good Night. :)

The Last Eulogy

The love itself had an aura of angelic divinity
That hour of sad interval was declared a sin throughout

Yet enduring deprivation turned awfully treacly

And being in the arms of love became her last reward

And yes of course my dearest, your love resembled a strange ailment

So doubt the sun, the moon and the stars if you truly wish to

For the sun can melt, the moon may wither and stars might shoot

But do not doubt that gesture of love, for it was somewhat true

So you must know that even though you took a road less traveled

In broken, tangled, decaying pieces, I almost did love you as well

-Love Jake